Solution In Sight – A Painful Journey
- January 8th, 2011
- By Nicholas
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Excuse me for the lack of notes. I’d said a long while ago that I would probably be posting these a month apart or so… Well, It’s been four months since I’ve actually posted one like this, so I suppose now would be the acceptable time to write this.
This is note 5. If you haven’t noticed, I did skip a number. Back in October, I did write a fourth note. I never posted it simply because it cut far too deep to want people to read. I also believe that it’d turn too controversial, and I’d get my ass chewed out for thinking what I was… On top of that, I also figured someone would call someone else and I’d eventually wind up in a mental institute – a place I know I need not be. Perhaps I will post it when I’m more comfortable with it (I’d also have to explain clearly that it was from the past.)
Moving forward: This note will explain a slight bit of what has happened in the last quarter year, and explain how I’m feeling presently. Then I will explain where I believe I’m going, and how long I expect it to be before I’m consoled again.
August: I had a girlfriend around this time. Although the relationship was probably one of the best things I’ve ever experienced, it didn’t seem to last, and fell apart again… and again (This continues through the next month). I was ruined, torn, and felt like utter shit to be honest. I bathed myself in loathing as I tried to heal my heart. Which only further confused me.
September: September was a fight, and struggle for me to get up in the morning. School became a place to waste life away, and not accomplish anything… For instance, I began failing WELDING – quite an easy class to pass. I simply just didn’t want to do anything, and therefore didn’t. I was easily hurt by everything. It wouldn’t take much to piss me off, or make me more depressed. I imagine myself as a zombie around this time. Quite frankly, I viewed the world as just another circle of hell around me, and I fucking hated it.
I threw friends away left and right nearing the end of this month. A (could have been violent) rage struck me, and all I wanted to do was attack, or escape… I took the latter.
October: This was a month I tried to look happy, and like I was getting better, but inside I was melting. I was near the point of perpetual break-down. I was (probably still am) an asshole to everyone. I wished to end everything, because to me: everything was nothing. Also in this month, my personal belongings (Zune, bike, phone, and a little later my iPod) decided to break. I pictured that as the “icing on the cake,” and went crazy. One week particular was the hardest – during which time I didn’t go to school for half of the days, because they didn’t want me there. Life at home was falling apart, and coming to the realization of the people I live with are not what I expected, plainly sucked.
There was a monkey on my back at this time, constantly trying to make me venture past my breaking point. This is when I retaliated, and came up with a plan to rid myself of it. (I’ll explain this later…)
Also in this month was when I made one of the smarter decisions I’ve done… I made plans to attend counseling.
November: November was a step forward in life. The counseling seemed to help with this… or it could have been the drugs – I don’t quite remember. I liked having someone to talk to. He actually understood this position I’m in, and had superior knowledge with these types of feelings. I learned when I actually may have started becoming depressed, and how… – Years before I realized it.
I took a leave from work (I will be returning 1/1/11), and concentrated on what I must do to get happy again. Another one of my greatest decisions in a while. I do miss work though… and money. Through my leave, I seem to know where to go from here, and how I’ll be happy again. Of course, that comes with the combination of counseling.
I had good days in this month, so I’d say it was a successful one.
December: With it’s end nearing, I figure I should explain what has happened thus far. I’m not happy, but I’m not nearly close to where I was in October. This month has surprisingly gone by fast. I hate the holidays because of the memories of holiday’s passed, but I seem to have dealt with everything alright. Again, the leave and counseling is what I blame for being better.
Current Living Conditions:
Since I’ve taken my leave back in November, I have had the privilege of keeping Alexa nearly 24/7, which is an awesome gift to have. I was upset with it at first, but quickly grew into having her so often. This opportunity couldn’t have came at a better time for me, and for Alexa.
Very shortly after I had initiated my leave of absence at work, I was approached with the idea of adoption for Alexa. My mind instantly began bearing down the stress of this situation. After some time had passed, and I evaluated the pros and cons of adoption, and how it would change my life, I eventually arose to what is best: I chose to follow through with an adoption.
Adoption would solve more problems that I can think of in one sitting. Tragically, I can relate most of my troubles with how I pushed myself into a higher maturity by having Alexa. I know many people who would probably disagree with my decision in the most pure of ways, in which case, I can simply state to those people: You are not in my position, you do not know the last two years of my life, and simply can’t base your opinion on what you think you know.
Adoption would NOT be my way of exiting parenthood. Believe me, I love my daughter as much – if not more – than anyone else, and I wish there was a way to work out all of my life’s problems and still keep her. Sadly, every which way I look at my future with her, there will be a dark cloud over me, ready to strike me down any time I screw up. I’ve been told by many people that I’ll regret this decision and be more hurt by the guilt, rather than just keeping her and sticking with what I have. Again, these people do not know my placement in life, and therefore cannot jump to that conclusion. This adoption benefits everyone. Alexa will live in a new life with financial, and emotional stability – both things I can’t even provide for myself. She will no longer need to travel between different families who treat her completely differently than the next. She will be in a life of constants. She requires that. It will benefit me by relieving the simple, but constant stress about worrying for her. This is also end the disputes between my family, and Alexa’s mother’s. Not to make it sound self-centered or anything, but it will allow for everyone to continue on with life – that includes Alexa.
Moving past the situation with Alexa, and onto my self reflection: I am a hell of a lot better person that I started thinking I was many months ago. I’ve changed in many ways, and now view myself as a perfectly decent person overall. I still may not always act with these same thoughts, but eventually, I will get there. I am continuing forward with counseling because it truly is helping me immensely. Even with his help, I am far from where I feel I need to be.
Relationships… are difficult to describe. I know I’m better off without one, and I’ll most probably end up getting hurt repeatedly in the end, yet, I still long for one. I hate the emotions I have about then, especially while I’m in one. After being so hurt from my past relationships, I fear everything they stand for. But in order to survive, I need some sort of human attachment. No offense to my friends, but I still feel left out of the circle of humanity that their friendships don’t exactly cope with my feelings.
School should be a breeze from here on out. I, for the most part, have only extra-curriculars to do, and the rest will get done swiftly at the second chance. The first semester seemed to have flown by like none other, so I don’t see why the second wouldn’t as well. This is a vaguely awesome thing, that I have yet to thoroughly realize and enjoy.
All in all… Life sucks still, but with the help that I’ve got behind my back, I believe I’ll be pretty good until summer’s head comes around. At that point, occupying myself will become somewhat of a difficult task, and most likely, I’ll have troubles once more. Without a doubt – I am much better than before. I still have my off days, but I don’t take them to as serious of a level as I once have. I have changed so dramatically; from trying to make everything for me work out how I wished it to, to not bothering or questioning why things happen the way they do. I now just take whatever hell awaits me, and continue fourth with life.
I see myself depressed for quite a long time yet. However, I believe I’ll be content with life in a short six months. At least, I’d like to hope.
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As with every other note I’ve written, thank you for reading this one. If you have talked to me about my writings, I’ve more than probably told you that I feel like I’m a better writer when I feel like crap – something I’m not fond of. In this note particularly, I was in a better mood, therefore – it’s quality has lessened a bit. Excuse me for that.
Once more: Thank you for reading. I truly appreciate those of you who take the time to read the massive amount of words as I have spilled out. Thank you.