The third addition to my notes. This one will once more point out things in my life that have changed me greatly, and will keep changing me. Then will be followed by how I am currently doing. With everything… Then it’ll end with more goals for myself.

Beginning with, my daughter:

Dear Alexa:

There’s no easy way to tell you how I feel about your living on this earth, so I will just come out an say it. Your birth was bitter-sweet. Throughout the whole pregnancy of your mother, I felt as if my life was going to end when you arrived. This was somewhat true. For the first six months of your life, I was with your mother. I felt as if I was forced to be with her simply because of your existence. Somewhere along this time, I grew enough courage to tell her that our relationship was over. I ended it. I do not regret the decision I have made. However, I do regret how much I see you these days. I am completely honest when I say this: Not a day passes that I do not think of you. I love you with my entire heart, and I would sacrifice my life – without hesitation – for your survival. I. Love. You.

We may not see each other as much since I left your mother, but I do, very much cherish the time we do spend together. Alexa, you are my first born, and will always be. No other child will ever take your place in my heart. Always remember that. I am still 100% committed to you, and I always will be. I will be there when you want me, and definitely when you need me. Above anything, is you. Again, I love you Alexa!

Dear Nick: (A letter to myself, yes.)

While I can still think straight, I think you need to hear this: You are wonderful. You are everything and anything you want to be when you want to be it. You can be funny, you can be cool, you can look flawless. You are an amazing person all around. If there was one thing anyone should be jealous of you for, it has got to be your personality. You possess enough talent in almost every skill everyone else has. You are creative, and can relate to damn near anything. Listen to me when I say this: You’re too hard on yourself. Relax a little, and take more time to enjoy life, but keep in mind your responsibilities. Remember you hold them deeply, and always will. I love you.

Dear [Religious Figure]:

Before I even start, I do want to tell you that I know what happens between you and I should not be shown to the public, but I think people should understand where I am coming from.

You grant me with many good things in life, you give me family, and love from them. You give me friends that trust, and (I think) care about me. You gifted me my daughter, and everything she has to offer this world. You grant me everything, my life. And I love you for that.

However, I still am unaware that you exist in any form. I have gotten no sign of your existence. I pray to a God whose not there. As much as people would say you exist; I see everything in life to be: Hopes, dreams, luck, coincidence, and perseverance. You don’t help me any, and that is why I remain agnostic. I beg and plead, I pray and hope for any sign of your existence, but you show none. Give me something supernatural, show me you’re there, even the slightest bit will help me believe and follow you.

How I am:

I am happy. For once in a very long time, it doesn’t take all of my strength to get up in the morning, and fake a smile the whole day. I don’t feel any need to be ashamed of myself, what I’ve done, or what I’ve become, and what I will become. I’m alright, I feel like I am a decent enough person to continue my living on this world. And it feels completely soothing to be able to have confidence in myself again. However, I am not healed, and I am still far from. Progress is happening, and I’m thrilled about it.

The biggest thing on my mind is still this depression. Even though it’s not as bad as it was months ago, it’s still current, and it still weighs heavily on my mind. Everything sucked a few months ago. Seriously – everything. I hated everyone, and I hated everything. Not matter what it was, it was against me. I now realize that not everyone is out to get me, and not everything is trying to attack me. I’m just unaware when these things are trying to help.

As for the state of my depression, I am having trouble getting rid of it. Instead of this hate, anger, and sadness being in front of my face, it’s just waiting for good times to attack. Along with this, is: My happiness relies on things and people. It’s Dependent. I wish this wouldn’t be the case, and I could just be happy all the time, but that’s not how it’s working for me. When I am alone, I still feel like my walls are falling, and everything sucks once more. When I am with friends, or am doing something I enjoy. I am just about as happy as I can be – which is amazing. I am currently thinking of a way I can make my happiness autonomous, and: Just. Be. Happy.

As mentioned in my last note, I set goals. I can say I’ve worked hard to achieve those goals. I attained my self-confidence, self-reliance, and definitely my self appreciation. I can address my problems – with people, or otherwise – and not feel like I’ve done something wrong. I know what’s right and wrong, and I’m beginning to think normal again.

Also in the last note, I gave those goals for myself. Now that I have achieved those, I will set more, only these goals will help me be a better person not to myself, but toother people. My family, friends, and even people I don’t know, or don’t like. I’d hope these goals will help me normalize with common society today.

New Goals:

Ever since letting myself fall into this depression, I’ve become a dark hearted person. My feelings towards others has always been… cold. No matter how bad their situation has been. I felt as if I had it worse, and did not give two shits for what the other person has been through. Now realizing that I was mistaken. I feel the need to begin caring for others, and help them, if at all possible. When I can, I want to be able to go out of my way to help others.

As with self-reliance, I now plan on letting other people rely on me. I want to be dependable to my family, friends, and common people. Even though I do not know how this will benefit me in any way, I still want to do it. I’ll be considering it a life-style change, in a sense.

I want to appreciate people again. I used to love the people I let in my life. Now, somehow, I don’t think the same of them. They are nuisances. They are pests. I currently do not cherish my friends or family. There are very few people I can say I truly care about. After this, I hope to be able to respect what people do for me, and what their talents are. I hope to NOT take my friends and family for granted. Because they are not permanent, and I know that.

Thanks, again.

I still cannot express how much I enjoy to get my change to let people in my life, and tell my story. It helps me greatly to write these, and especially hear back from people – it’s helped me get this far. I still wish I could think of the correct words to describe the feeling I get when I’m done writing. It’s just completely relieving. So again, I must thank you, whoever you are: thank you for reading this note. It means so much to know that people are reading. Thank you!