Before I start. I would like to say that this is going to be a multi-part note. I will release these notes in “Chapters” of aspects of my life. This is the first one in what should total to be about three or four notes. I would greatly appreciate if you would take the time to read these notes carefully. This is my last-ditch-effort to end this monologue of pain that I am putting myself through.

Begin Rehabilitation…

Where does this creature come from?
I have diagnosed myself with what many teenagers go through: Depression. Why have I done such a thing, you ask? I feel worthless, pathetic, invisible, and invulnerable (due to this habit I have called, “Not giving a fuck.”). I’ve experienced suicidal thoughts; I’ve gone as far as to plan different ways to commence these plans. Through the midst of it all, I regressed, and decided that self-annihilation is selfish, foolish, and overall… stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate things within me, about me, and even some of the people closest to me; but I refuse to end my own suffering.

I complete and totally blame this depression for the loss of past friends, and my lack of effort put forth to achieve anything worth achieving.

School:
I attend school for the social interaction. I crave you. I need you, as much as I. Do. Not. Want. You. Without talking to someone, or even hearing voices, I feel completely abandoned. My work does not get done, and I wish I could say I care, but I don’t.

Work:
I go to work for two reasons. One, the social feeling. I don’t care if my co-workers like me or not. They’re forced to see me as much as I’m forced to see them.
Two, I have to. I have bills to pay. Financial debt has already taken place in my everyday life. Debt that I should never have to worry about in the first place.

Family:
I wish that I could not have a family, and just be a loner. It would save hours of time sitting in puddle of guilt and regret. You feed me your love, and give me everything you work for. All I do is take what you give me, devour it, and leave it on your doorstep. I want to say I’m sorry, I want to beg forgiveness; but I will not. At least, not yet.

Friends:
Close or far, online, or off. I feel like I’ve failed you. I have. We had something great. In the beginning of my descent into this depression, I quit you. I dropped out. I left. I can’t recall how it all happened, but I know I really screwed things up. We began fighting, this leads into trash-talking, and finally: backstabbing. We seldom talk these days, and every time I see you, I think about how I’ve demolished what we ever had.

With the conclusion of all the people and aspects of my life, I have but one thing to say: Forgive, or forget me, there is no in between. At this stage, I feel like most of everything in my life is unrepairable. Fubar. I have repeatedly hurt, annoyed, abused, or otherwise failed all of you. If you cannot forgive me, please forget me, forget our past. I will do the same.

Begin Ascendancy…

For those whom have actually taken the time to read this over: Thank you. With humble, loving, and a stupendous amount of gratitude, Thank You. It means so much more than you could imagine. To take the time to write this, and make the trip into the eighth circle of hell I’ve conjured up, it means more to me than anything at this point. Once more, and time and time again, thank you.