A Blog About Life… Isn't That Unusual?

With just a few short weeks until New Years, I would like to get a head start on my resolutions, as well as discuss all that has happened in the last year.

So first, what did happen this year?

• Alexa’s adoption was finalized
• I permanently separated myself from Alexa’s mother
• Graduated
• Came out about the truth / Rid myself of secrets
• Removed friends that don’t respect me
• Moved out
• Started attending STI
• Roommates and the hell they bring
• An overall relationship overhaul

So… I’ll start in order:

Alexa’s adoption was finalized January 31. This the hardest, most self-sacrificial thing I’ve ever had to do. I can give my money out to anyone, I can spare my extra time to help someone, I can help people with almost anything. But… to adopt away someone that comes from my blood is extremely hard. The car ride to the court house, we had Alexa with us. After the court, we dropped Alexa off, visited for a while, and left… It was an eerie feeling returning home without my daughter. Even more so going days without seeing or hearing her. Adjusting to this change in my life was difficult, but I did it through making my schedule busy in other ways. I kept my mind off of what wasn’t at home waiting for me.

While I’m on the subject, I believe it would be a good idea to explain how I finally made the decision to commit to the adoption. It’s bitter to say and hear, but the decision was easy for me to make; but hard for me to follow through. As with all my other hard decisions, I broke it down into smaller, easier to understand parts.

• Our families had irreconcilable differences
• Alexa was bring tossed between two homes, with families that raised her completely opposite ways
• I couldn’t be around Alexa’s mother for more than fifteen minutes without a fight breaking out
• When the two of us would fight, it would get nasty – Alexa doesn’t need to see or hear the things we said
• Neither Alexa’s mother or I could provide the stability we wished for her.

With all of those reason combined, harboring Alexa for our own selfish wants seemed morally irresponsible. Why should Alexa have to suffer because her parents are too thick headed to see what’s best for her. Thus, the decision was made for me. I just needed a lot of support to follow through with it. Eventually, I got there.

Moving on:

The separation of Alexa’s mother and I. This seems easy when I say it like that. In reality, it was hard. We had dated for nearly two years before breaking up, and even after that, we still had to be around each other for our daughter. Nearly three years, I finally just shut her out. She couldn’t contact me via phone, internet, or in person. I told my parents that they would have to relay anything she or I wanted to say to each other. I hated putting that stress on my parents, but it was the only true way I was going to make this separation work. Finally, after months of refusing to talk to her, and proving to her that I WASN’T going to be there for her at all, she finally got the hint and quit talking.

Graduation: 

I totally didn’t think I would. A few months short of graduating, I was failing a class, quite miserably. And in the end, it did all come down to getting my ass in gear in that class. I spent somewhere around six hours outside of class time to work on my projects that were bringing my grade down.

Graduation in a tough thing in general. School work aside, it’s a huge process getting everything ready: the clothes, the parties, the ceremony, and etcetera. It’s a lot of work. I hate getting an extraordinary amount of attention, so this was a huge eye-opening activity for me. ~70 people showing up at my house to give me congratulations and money… That doesn’t happen very often.

Ridding myself of secrets:

I wish I could go into detail on this subject a lot more, but in order to do that, I would have to embarrass people close to me; I don’t want to do that. So I will only discuss what I can here.

In June, I had a very close friendship and relationship with someone who had all the keys to all my locks. Through many late nights and close connections, she had finally released the pendulum that was waiting high above me for years. Through a small question, she had broke down a decade of self-made reinforcement of all the secrets that I’d kept. I trusted her enough to do this. And I definitely don’t regret what she has done for me. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it time and time again: This person has made me a better, more trustworthy, more trusting person overall. I’ll never be able to express the gratitude for that, either.

Removed friends that don’t respect me:

During this year, I had what I thought was my best friend. I thought this person would be someone I could confide everything in, and they wouldn’t tell a soul. I also didn’t think they would ever go behind my back for their own selfish needs. But life has an awesome way of revealing people to you.

Basically, since kindergarten, I had a friend that was just plain awesome. We literally grew up with each other, and have the same mind set on a lot of different subjects (or… used to…). This person was there from beginning to end with Alexa and her mother. However, just shortly I had broke up with Alexa’s mother, he found it in his values that it was okay to attempt to get with my ex.
Now, maybe I’m just fucked up in the head, and this IS righteous action. You tell me. I dated this woman for nearly two years, and I HAD A BABY with her. As soon as we break up, he finds it acceptable to ask to spend the night with her, while he’s drunk, nonetheless. I don’t find that very concerning of the friendship he held with me.

Another, similar, experience (however not from this year), is when another one of my ex friends decided that he would start texting the same girl after I broke up with her. Only, instead of texting, he would send pictures of his penis to her… Very shortly after hearing (and sadly seeing) about that, I cut him off from ever being my friend again. It also doesn’t help that he told my ex, “If you ever tell Nick about anything between us I’ll cut your baby.” Or something along those lines. That shit doesn’t fly well with me.

Moved out:

I understand that this isn’t essentially a huge thing to go through, as most of us DO go through with it. But not only was this my first time moving out, it was my first time MOVING in my life. And I didn’t move just a few miles away. I moved sixty-eight miles east, into a large city. I did a complete revamp of my way of life. Without a doubt, this is a lot of stress. The first few weeks of being out of my parents house was the hardest. I didn’t have anyone to talk to, or any friends to go see. I mostly sat around my apartment trying to figure out small things I could to make my time there more efficient.

Along with moving out, I started attending STI, the school I’m currently enrolled at. This was only a quick four months after graduating, and I was a college student. New school, new student body, new kind of homework, new teachers, new EVERYTHING. We need not even mention the fact that it was only after moving into a new city.

School has / is actually going quite well. I enjoy the classes, and the work load isn’t as much as I expected it to be. The only real, big problem I had with this whole new lifestyle is roommates.

Put bluntly: My roommates are absolute shit. For the first few weeks, all three of them had been loud, annoying, and inconsiderate assholes. I basically barricaded myself into my room in attempts to not have to deal with all of their crap. The more I’d resist, the more they’d fight back trying to get reactions out of me. Worse yet, there was my roommates friend, who was there nearly as much as the rest of them. This pathetic pile of douche found it easy to steal my food, and leave half of it out to rot.

Basically, after so much of this, I did blow up at them. I yelled at them and basically made my maturity level plummet. I decided shortly after, a new tactic around them would be better. Instead of fighting them. I will simply have no reaction for the things they would do. When I walk pass them, I’d simply smile and go on with my day. NOTE: This pisses people off. Which was half the reason I did it.

Now, with the semester coming to an end, I’ve already got plans to move out, into a new apartment, with people I actually know, who will better respect me and all of my belongings. Thank. God.

The Relationships of 2011:

In the start of 2011, I was heart broken by a girl that I had chased around for about a year. The reason for her breaking up with me the last time was because of my ex that I had Alexa with. Wonderful. I remember a note she gave me that stated she, “Was not going to date anyone,” until after the new year because she needed time for herself. Turns out, that was a lie. She started dating someone else before then, leaving me in the dark, as usual. Hah… life.

Anyway, I took this time to expand my relationships with other people. I started dating someone I was already good friends with. Sadly, the reason I was dating her was because I had made comparisons between her and my ex. I’ve expressed in my blog that this is a BAD thing to do. This relationship taught me that no two people will be alike, and cannot be viewed in comparison with the past. Because I did the wrong thing, this relationship did not last. We remained friends after this relationship, however.

After that, I started to connect well with a girl. And when I say well, I mean extremely well. This is the girl who got me to come out with the truth about everything. As I previously explained, we were close. Sadly, I got selfish when that girl I’d be chasing for the past year came back to me… I chose to try again with her. And it worked for a while. We dated for the longest consistent time we ever have. Almost three months (big woop, I know).

Anyway, we dated from July to October, when on homecoming night, I decided to sit by two of my female friends (don’t get them confused with girlfriends…), and after that, things just went downhill. It didn’t matter what I said, or how many times I apologized for sitting by them. We were doomed to end. And end it did.

After that relationship was done, I quickly rushed myself into another partial relationship. I pretty much used someone to get over my ex. And I feel bad for that. During the time of being with this woman, I decided that finally, I am done chasing that other girl around. I decided that being dragged around for the last year means that it will never work. I quickly gained composure, and finalized my feelings for that girl.

Also during this time, I posed on my blog about persons: A, B, C, and D. Shortly after posting that, person D did end up texting me, and we’ve been talking every day since. Furthermore, we reconnected, and even reinforced our relationship. We are now better than ever. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

——————-

Now that I’ve got the biggest parts of the past year down, I would like to talk about the next year of my life…

These are just a few things that I would like to achieve:

• A better relationship between my parents and I
• Have a full, committed relationship with someone
• Find life-long friends in college
• Write more
• Learn to be more compassionate for others
• Continue strengthening my relationship with my daughter and her parents
• Write something that will leave people smiling
• Be a role model for those around me
• Commit. Follow through with everything I say
• Finally: Have a better year than the previous

Again, these are just a few of my resolutions for the next year. And as much as I hope they will all be accomplished, I cannot guarantee that they all will.’My reasoning for choosing all of these resolutions is because they will overall make me a better person. What I really want in life is to be the best person I can be. For myself, for my family, for my friends, and even for strangers…

And with all this behind me, I’d like to dedicate this post to a song: A Day to Remember – Here’s to the Past.

Here’s to the past

Let’s all think back on what brought us here
This is my grasp on what is real
Don’t tell me how I feel
With all that’s passed I can’t relate
With myself from day to day
why does everything seem so far away
to me

There’s no turning back from here
I’ve got to get away from everyone who’s left
Everyone who’s left
I’ll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year
(Past year, past year…)
I’ll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year
(Past year, past year…)
They said we’d walk away
You’ll never make it if you can’t speak for yourself
they said we’d fade away

We’ve all been down this path before
You’re trapped in this town
And it wears you down
When we leave today then maybe you’ll understand
This constant struggle isn’t always in the palm of my hand

There’s no turning back from here
I’ve got to get away from everyone who’s left
Everyone who’s left
I’ll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year
(Past year, past year…)
I’ll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year
(Past year, past year…)
They said we’d walk away
You’ll never make it if you can’t speak for yourself
they said we’d fade away

This man will stand the test of time
This man will stand the test of time
This man will stand the test of time
This man will stand the test of time

I’ll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year
(Past year, past year…)
I’ll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year
(Past year, past year…)
They said we’d walk away
You’ll never make it if you can’t speak for yourself
they said we’d fade away

This blog has been a self-help tool for me more than anything. When I’m in a situation such as this, It helps a lot to be able to type everything out, and read it. It helps me reanalyze everything, and figure out what is best for my situation. That’s what I’m gonna do here, now.

To make this anonymous, I’m going to define people as letters. A, B, C, and D.

A:

Our relationship as been the most stable one I’ve had over the last many months. You go through problems that I am able to  help you with. And you have helped me when I’m in mine. I truly value our friendship. I need you to know that. No matter what I do, I want to remain friends with you – TALKING – friends. I hope you can trust me with your deepest thoughts, as I have trusted you with mine. I hope you don’t hold back on telling me things just because, “They’ll hurt too much.” You’ve always told me everything I need to hear, even if I didn’t want that. And that is the greatest gift I could receive from anyone. The truth is something that we don’t come by very often, so me having you is important to me. I can’t speak for you, but I hope you feel the same.

Again, I want to stress how much I really do want to remain friends through anything. Don’t let my actions, or other people, get in the way of our friendship. Isn’t it above that?

B:

If I could sum you up in one word, I think it would have to be deceitful. What you’ve done to me has hurt me a lot. You don’t even know the magnitude of what you did; it’s not like you’d change even IF you knew. The colossal ego you carry with you is blinding. You get your way through dodging any serious conflict, and avoid answering questions when they’re of the up-most priority. It’s manipulation; worse yet, it’s extremely hard to realize it’s manipulation. I went months without realizing that none of my questions were really being answered with honesty, and from your opinion. I’d always given you mine, and had to pry out yours. And every time I’d pry, we’d fight. That’s how it was – that is not my fault.

Still, I can’t bring myself not to have feelings for you. As much as I wish I could say we’re over, and I don’t ever want to return to you… I do. My counselor told me one thing that applies to you all too well:

Someone can only promise what they’ve shown in the past. If someone has caused you more pain, that is all they have to offer. No one can make a promise to change who they are.

I look back on all of the times we’ve had together, and what I notice is that there was not a time where everything was great between you and I. There was always another person waiting around for you. And in all honesty, I’m positive it was in your mind that if we didn’t work out, you had a back up. You played dumb when I asked about these people, as if you were completely clueless to the fact that they liked you. And I never truly bought that. I could see it from miles away – I just pretended that it wasn’t there. It may have been naive on my part, but it was wrong on yours.

C:

You were, “Late to the run,” so to say. You certainly aren’t out of the, “race,” however. I like you. I like you a lot.You offer a sense of security. No matter what, you’ll be there for me. When I’m at my worst, and when I’m in my best, you have proved that you will be present. I’m not sure how I can express how much that alone means to me. If the last nineteen years has taught me anything, it’s that people come and people go. If you can commit to what you’ve said and proved thus far, it is my debt to be there for you.

Still, I can’t help but notice a darkness that seems to be present between us. Maybe it’s just my mind conjuring up similarities of you from my past. In any sense, it is something that I fear, and need to think about with extreme caution.

D:

I haven’t put much thought into you, honestly. I was high in the clouds, with my back facing away from you. I chose to put my focus into other things and other people. So firstly, I want to say I’m sorry. What I did to you -was- rude and unlike me. I was delusional, and smoke-screened. Way back when, I really thought some people had changed their ways. And because of that, I chose to distance myself from you. You made this other person feel minuscule, and because I was still conversing with you, it was hard to keep that other person happy – which is truly what I wanted at the time. I realize now that, again, I was delusional. I’m an idiot for doing what I did to you. And I deserved every bit of harsh wording you used against me. I accept it knowingly.

I think our friendship and relationship were probably the most healthy I was ever in. Really. Maybe not in a physical health perspective, but we understood each other to an extent unlike anyone else I’ve ever managed to get close to. The conversations we had are cherished like gold to me, even today. You don’t know it, but you’ve actually had a huge impact on my life over the last four months. You were the beginning of a new me: one that doesn’t hold secrets, and is a better person overall.

For some odd reason, I’ve had a few dreams you happened to be in. Before they occurred, you weren’t in my daily conscious thought. Some people may not believe that dreams have any sort of real meaning to the “awake,” life. I’m not one of them. Dreams exist for a purpose, we just have to decrypt the meanings, which in most cases is extremely hard.

What I really want to get out is: I want to talk again. I’m just completely unsure how to approach this situation. :/

—————————

Now that I have people settled, I would like to switch to a topic not very far from the former: What do I want in people?
I’m going to also divide these people into groups: Acquaintances, Friends, and Lovers.

Acquaintances:

People I know, but don’t have any real contact with… I can’t ask for much from you, except for the same respect I give you. Just because I don’t live my life the same as you, doesn’t mean that I’m a worse or better person. I shouldn’t have to feel intimidated by you, I shouldn’t have to dodge my way around these people in order to be happier. If you don’t really know me, then don’t treat me like you do. I don’t do that to you.

Friends:

Friends, I expect you to be there for me, and I’ll be there for you. I’m sorry if I may not text you first, or ask you to do anything. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk or do anything. I choose to give my attention to those who take their time to approach me. Maybe it’s wrong of me, and if it is, tell me, I can change that.

I’d also like to believe that you wont start rumors about me, or talk about me behind my back. I’ve done my best to avoid saying negative things about everyone, especially my friends. When I’ve given you my back to stab, I’d hope you don’t take that chance. I wouldn’t do that to you.

Lovers:

I honestly don’t even want a relationship that has the expectations of a marriage and a family. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t a possibility though. What I want from my relationships is a best friend. Someone who knows me, who doesn’t hold secrets, who won’t put a knife in my back, and who I can approach with any conversation and not have to feel like I’ve done something wrong. I expect an acquaintance, and a friend, from my lover.

Through my year of counseling, and my past experiences, I’ve concluded that the physical part of a relationship is a completely different ball-park than the actual relation itself. To be able to connect with someone physically, it needs to be established that I could connect with them personally, and with that, they need to have the same connection to me.

The problem is that most people, my age, or even in this day in age, are just impatient. No one wants to take time to see what right for them, and their partner. They just want to make a fairy-tale come true. Maybe once in a great while, a miracle will happen, and this technique will work; most of the time, this doesn’t work.

–

I can’t really put a closing statement on this post. It’s far from complete. I’ve just ran out of words to elaborate on this any further. Maybe sometime I can go back over this, and add more. Otherwise, it is what it is, and maybe it’ll help me through the next few weeks.

Another thing that people ask me is, “How long should I wait after a relationship before I get into another?”

Variables play a HUGE roll in this, guys. This question simply cannot be answered with a “formula.” (You know, that formula… x = past relationship duration / 2 or whatever the fuck…) The best way to answer this question in by meeting criteria. And for that criteria, I have this:

• Quit being butt-hurt¹
• Quit longing for the past relationship and understand that no other one will ever be like the past again.
• Be able to be with someone, and not think about the other – RESTRAIN FROM COMPARING.²
• Be realistic³

¹- You know, whether you did the breaking up, or they did. If that relationship meant a damn thing, it hurts it’s over. There is a “calming,” period that should be mandatory for everyone. This is the time where you may want to just cry, be alone, or be with others if that’s your thing… During this time you are free to have irrational thoughts, but be sure to not act on them. That’s typically unhealthy.

²- When you’re with whoever you might consider dating, you need to realize that they are an individual. Comparing this person to the past is unfair, in both good and bad ways. That thought, “Oh, well my LAST girl never did this…” or, “Well shit, I never had this fight with ____” Is unnecessary. As well as comparing any two people.

The only exception to this rule is sex. Chances are, the first person you ever had it with will pop into your head. As frowned upon that is, it’s normal. So are any other past partners. Basically, try to keep this to a minimum, and DONT SAY THE WRONG NAME. (Haha, see? I can be funny too.)

³- I just want to amend on to this. Don’t trick yourself. Don’t fake emotions. Don’t say, “I’m over that,” if you’re really not. That’ll only confuse the hell out of the other person, and possibly yourself. Those people who’re always in and out of relationships are the ones who can’t seem to abide by this rule.

The other half of this IS time-based. I don’t care how short or long your past relationship was, or how fast you can get over things; take some damn time off. You can tie this is with the first rule: that “calming,” time is a gateway to a successful relationship in the future.

I just had to get these thoughts out. I figure maybe if I write about it I’ll actually remember this when people ask me. If anyone has any other criteria, please comment. I’ll sort out the good and bad ones, and probably update this post.

Lately, a lot of people have been asking me, “If I could take anything in life back, what would if be? and why?”

Typically, when asked this, I used to just give some BS answer about one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. But this time I actually thought about it, and this is my new response:

I wouldn’t take anything back – nothing. What ever mistakes I’ve made, people I’ve hurt, tragedies I’ve witnessed, and whatever else negative happened… has ultimately made me me. After some strong consideration, I’ve concluded that it sucks being me, but I like who I am in total, and I’d rather not be anyone else.  So in order to successfully answer the question (being, there HAS to be SOMETHING to take back), I’d have to regret something positive; which is completely screwed up to do. Erase good memories? Who’d do that – I wont.

The final option: Take back something neutral or insignificant. I could regret running outside with no shoes on once, but that’s not, “good enough,” for people. I could regret not going to eat with my family, and missing some conversation or something. That’s also not very cool though. Hell, I could even regret not faking sick more often; but school was probably more important.

My point is: Regret is, to me, becoming more and more pointless. I understand pain, both emotionally and physically, and I’ve experienced both extensively. When it comes down to it though, that pain, that anger, that fear; all those experiences are what has molded ME. My imperfect past has only influenced me in a positive manner, and it’d be foolish of me to regret being a better person, right? Therefore, I’ll take nothing back, and continue my existence being more capable than I’d ever be if I had taken any other option.

Over the last month and a half. I’ve discovered a lot about me I’ve never previously known, or even thought about. Perhaps the most interesting is what little fears I have. While reading, please keep in mind that I am a “Logical,” thinker…

My Four Phobias & Why:

1. Overly Religious People; Self-Righteous People.
   — These particular people frighten me because they are the ones who preach verses from the bible, and cannot stop praising, or talking about God; yet, they act exactly as the rest of us. They are the same rapists, murderers, thieves, and criminals… If you’re going to put yourself on top of such a sturdy pedestal, please behave as if you deserve it.
2.  Sociopaths.
   — Besides the blatantly obvious reasons for being scared of these people, I only fear the torture they can unknowingly throw upon another. Sociopaths are the only kind of people who you can fall in love with, bring a family up with, and live your whole entire life with; and they’d have no emotions after killing you. On top of that, there’s no way to know these people are sociopaths until they’ve hurt you in some form.
3. Heights.
   — “Yeah. Everyone’s scared of heights.” <– First of all, not true. Some people love heights. I’m not scared of falling, or the sight of something from the top of a mountain; I’m not scared of planes or cliffs. What I fear is the fact that a height that is unstable could lead you unknowingly into your death. Heights are one true way to accidentally kill yourself. Suicide is a choice, heights are the borderline of  choosing to die or not.
4. That Damned Sound People Make When They Drop a Fragile Item; Fast Inhalation.
   —  Awkward thing to fear, I know. And don’t make fun of me for being phobic of it, there is a reason. When I was about ten, my family would take small motorcycle rides. One day on our way back from Brookings, my father had a car pull out in front of him and my brother. Through the helmet, the 75mph wind, and the straight pipes of my moms motorcycle, this was the only sound I heard my mother make… I can still remember the sound clearly. My first thought that ran through my head was, “I have no father. I have no brother.” This is not a happy thought to have run through a mind as immature as mine was. And even though my family was fine, and only had minor scrapes, that sound was permanently instilled into my mind as a, “Worst possible scenario,” sound. My hair will stand straight, a shiver runs down my spine, and my palms begin to sweat every time I hear this sound.

For as long as I can possibly remember, I’ve always, “That one guy.” I mean this, for everyone – I am that “One guy.”

Please, ladies, explain this to me: How the FUCK can I possibly be the, “One guy,” if there is ALWAYS going to be people who are better than me; if there is ALWAYS going to be another guy; if there is ALWAYS going to impermissible circumstances for an actual relationship to take place. Tell me: What. The. Fuck?

Seriously, no matter what I do, even if I try my hardest, I will never reach the top. Never. After so many attempts, and after so many failures… I can’t handle this. I’m bleeding will to even bother with friends, family, work… life. Everyone will always just bury me under other higher priorities, right?

—

I suppose what I want to establish here is a formal, “Fuck you,” to life. I’ve tried, and tried; and even when I thought I was at the height of my happiness, I still manage to be overlooked by someone. I’m just not perfect, and thereby, do not fill the necessary requirements to keep current status in other’s lives. I’m unappreciated. I’m insatiable. I’m. Just. Not. Enough.

—

Another thing I would like to say is: I somehow find myself working under the radar. I constantly try to help people, I constantly try to remain a decent human being.  I do this in a manner that also goes unnoticed. I’ve helped people conquer drugs, family issues, relationships, self-imagery, death, and so many other problems. I don’t care that I’m not being recognized as anyone important for this things, I just want to be told that what  I did helped them. I don’t need them to spread the word about me, I just want to be told that I played a factor in how they’ve changed they’re life…

The really depressing part about all this? The people I help, the people I’d willingly, openly, die and sacrifice for… they are the ones who:

1. Hurt me. I make people too good for me. <– Quite a pathetic occurrence, considering I’m a major roll in why you are what you are today.
2. Get precisely what I want. <– God, I can help people get what they want, and I can help them get what I want; but I can’t do it for myself. That’s also pathetic in itself.
3. Disappear. <– Poof. They’re gone. I’ve helped them – they used me. That’s all they wanted. Now they can move on… whatever.

—

Being (metaphorically) repeatedly stepped, stomped, and ran over has it’s tolls. My head swells, my body aches, my ego fractured, my life permanently scarred. Handicapped from what I once was, and will never return to normal. I hate this, and yet it’s the only thing keeping me alive.

I’ve lost meaning, and with that, I’ve lost hope. I’ll sit back, watch the waves fall and topple over me… If someone cares enough, maybe I’ll drift to shore and be saved. Until then, I’m letting go.

Dear whom will not be named,
I can see you. I am a close friend of yours. I am trying to help you through many of your life problems. Recently, you’ve realized that I am right about a lot of those problems… I feel the need to tell you this:

You’re walking into a trap.

You don’t know it, and even if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. I know the people around you better than you do, and I can predict the future that lies ahead of you. You ARE going to regret your actions tonight. You will be ashamed of yourself, and I will end up being the person who’s there for you in the end. I will be the one to tell you that you couldn’t see what was going to happen.

This man, also to be nameless, is only using you. It is just convenient for him to use you right now. It won’t be long before he begins ignoring you again. I mean, the only reason you’re with him currently is because I am the connection between you two.

— Wait. Does this make me an enabler? No. You wanted him to come with, I just tried giving you what you want. My morals are correct.

Moving on… Im not jealous, no, I’m not jealous at all. I just don’t want to see you hurt. Again. By the same person. Again. I don’t enjoy being the person to heal your broken heart, I also don’t enjoy having to give you the bad news and bad aspects of my friend(s).

Wrapping this up… Please, save yourself, and move on. This man has hurt you repeatedly, and you should understand that this vicious circle is only vicious because you allow it to revolve. Now it is time to stop it.

Sincerely,
A deeply concerned friend.

Forgive me for any bad language I may use. Both in spelling and word choice. I am currently under certain influences that make me… different.

Today, I woke up, half late for my plans, as usual. I still managed to get up, take a shower, and get to my appointments today. Congratulations Nicholas. No one even knew what you went through this morning, so celebrate it alone.

I sat at home for hours, waiting for school to get out. My mind told me to hope that someone will call me, wanting to hang out or do something with my life (and daytime) today. 3:15 rears it’s ugly head around. To my surprise, my phone actually went off. My head dances around in circles, celebrating the fact that SOMEONE wanted SOMETHING to do with me…

Turns out, they just needed help connecting to the internet. Great. My false hopes, just confirmed true.

I begin my laundry. It’s been piling up for two weeks. I’m beginning to wear my old clothes. I figure this needed to be done…

Whoa, my phone rings again. This still happens to get me by surprise. I looked at the name. It was the girl I’ve been chasing for the last… oh, I dunno, year of my life. She says, “Hey! … How much do you love me?”

— *Enough to drop my life, just to be with you. That’s how much* —

RE: “Uh… You want me to work for you, don’t you?”

“Yeah. Or trade shifts with me. It’s this Saturday, I work 5 to Close. Would you pleeeeaaaase?”

— *Great. I go to Rock-n-Bowl these days. I have other friends than this girl. But for some reason. Maybe this girl is worth the work… *–

RE: “Yeah… I guess. I’ll work for you. We’ll trade shifts. You for my 11:30 – 5, I’ll work your 5 –  Close.

“OMG THANK YOU NICK”

RE: ” Yep. No problem. Not like I have a life…”

At this point. She feels the need to express gratitude for the things I do for her… She does this in a spiteful manner: “So, how was Alexa?” – I saw my daughter last Saturday.

RE: “She’s doing great. She didn’t call me dad, or Nick, or anything. She called my dad and mom “mommy,” and “daddy,” so that’s cool, I guess.”

“Oh…”

RE: ” Yep…”

“Okay… Well That’s all I needed. Thanks for working for me this Saturday!”

RE: “No problem…” – One. Huge. Problem.

“Okay. Bye!”

RE: “See ya.”

————————————-

… My mind – crushed. I love it when God (Or whoever the fuck runs my life) decides to dangle this painful torture over my head. Fuck you, entity. I hate you considerably.

My day moves forward. Hours pass as I stare blankly looking at my computer screen. I watch House, and text my father who doesn’t seem to ever stop talking…

Suddenly, it’s 6. I should probably eat. My mom and I have an argument about what to eat, how much it costs, and other nonsense bullshit. Eventually, around 7, I get my food. Sweet.

After eating, I’m tired. Maybe staying out all night last night wasn’t the brightest idea; I mean, it wasn’t even that fun. I take a nap.

I wake up about 9:30. One missed call from a friend, and two texts needed to be answered. I call my friend back – no answer. I text my friends back – one responds. Which is cool. I have something to do now, I guess.

Eventually, my friend calls back, “Sorry. I left my phone in the car,” he says… I don’t necessarily believe him, but whatever. I don’t necessarily give a shit either. He wants to hang out, and so we decide to do so.

After about an hour of chilling in my room, we finally decide to leave. I get a text from the person earlier, wanting me to work for her this Saturday. “Hey you! I wanted to say thank you again for working for me! Also, what are you doing this Wednesday? Maybe we could get lunch together or something?:)” – I don’t respond to this. I’m more pissed at the fact that:

1: Why not hang out earlier? Too busy with the guy who does everything wrong for you, and doesn’t actually like you?

2: Pity. Fuck that. I don’t need it.

3: This is how you make me feel better about working for you? By trying to give me the false hopes of us ever being together again?! I CAN’T PSYCHOLOGICALLY HANDLE THIS.

Moving on… We go to a friends house, and sit around for another 45 minutes. Then we all decide to go for a walk, where yet another friend calls and invites us over. Woot somewhere to go, something to do. Eventually, we get there. We talk for about two hours… Well, they talk for about two hours. I sit around staring at the campfire before us, thinking about my life.

Finally, I need to go. I have shit to do tomorrow. I’ve got to get out. I tell my friends I’m leaving. I walk, alone, back across town, get in my car, and drive home… Then I write about it.

This brings me up to where I am now. This is my life. This is my daily routine. This is my lifeless life. This sucks.

————-

Meh. I feel the need to blog. I’ll go insane if I don’t. Please comment if you have suggestions on this girl I really like, my life, my friends, or basically anything. I’ll take any response I can get my hands on. I’m dying from withdraw of a social life. Please, talk to me.

In the last month, I’ve begun attending counseling sessions. Recently, I’ve been recommended to begin taking anti-depressants to help me fight everything that is holding me back from accomplishing my goals. I am severely concerned about the physiological part of these types of drugs however. I’ve watched some people who’ve taken them, and began to gain weight uncontrollably, they seem to dumb down a bit, and overall become dependant on this “medicine,” to live. I do NOT want this to become of me. I’m already ashamed of what I’ve let myself become, and I do -not- want to become something worse: an addict.

So, as needless as this is to ask: What are your thoughts on this kind of medications?

• Do they work? How?
• Are the side-effects something to fear?
• Addictiveness?
• Will I begin to think/react differently?
• What if they don’t work?
• Are they long-term or short-term solutions?
  • If long, how long? Will I ever stop?
  • If short, how do I stop them? How fast do they work?
• SHOULD I DO THIS?!

These are just some of the questions I’ve been able to come up with after two minutes of thinking. I have a next-to-unlimited amount of questions that I could ask about them… I just don’t know what to decide about this. Any help at all would be completely wanted, and appreciated.

The third addition to my notes. This one will once more point out things in my life that have changed me greatly, and will keep changing me. Then will be followed by how I am currently doing. With everything… Then it’ll end with more goals for myself.

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