A Blog About Life… Isn't That Unusual?

Forgive me for any bad language I may use. Both in spelling and word choice. I am currently under certain influences that make me… different.

Today, I woke up, half late for my plans, as usual. I still managed to get up, take a shower, and get to my appointments today. Congratulations Nicholas. No one even knew what you went through this morning, so celebrate it alone.

I sat at home for hours, waiting for school to get out. My mind told me to hope that someone will call me, wanting to hang out or do something with my life (and daytime) today. 3:15 rears it’s ugly head around. To my surprise, my phone actually went off. My head dances around in circles, celebrating the fact that SOMEONE wanted SOMETHING to do with me…

Turns out, they just needed help connecting to the internet. Great. My false hopes, just confirmed true.

I begin my laundry. It’s been piling up for two weeks. I’m beginning to wear my old clothes. I figure this needed to be done…

Whoa, my phone rings again. This still happens to get me by surprise. I looked at the name. It was the girl I’ve been chasing for the last… oh, I dunno, year of my life. She says, “Hey! … How much do you love me?”

— *Enough to drop my life, just to be with you. That’s how much* —

RE: “Uh… You want me to work for you, don’t you?”

“Yeah. Or trade shifts with me. It’s this Saturday, I work 5 to Close. Would you pleeeeaaaase?”

— *Great. I go to Rock-n-Bowl these days. I have other friends than this girl. But for some reason. Maybe this girl is worth the work… *–

RE: “Yeah… I guess. I’ll work for you. We’ll trade shifts. You for my 11:30 – 5, I’ll work your 5 –  Close.

“OMG THANK YOU NICK”

RE: ” Yep. No problem. Not like I have a life…”

At this point. She feels the need to express gratitude for the things I do for her… She does this in a spiteful manner: “So, how was Alexa?” – I saw my daughter last Saturday.

RE: “She’s doing great. She didn’t call me dad, or Nick, or anything. She called my dad and mom “mommy,” and “daddy,” so that’s cool, I guess.”

“Oh…”

RE: ” Yep…”

“Okay… Well That’s all I needed. Thanks for working for me this Saturday!”

RE: “No problem…” – One. Huge. Problem.

“Okay. Bye!”

RE: “See ya.”

————————————-

… My mind – crushed. I love it when God (Or whoever the fuck runs my life) decides to dangle this painful torture over my head. Fuck you, entity. I hate you considerably.

My day moves forward. Hours pass as I stare blankly looking at my computer screen. I watch House, and text my father who doesn’t seem to ever stop talking…

Suddenly, it’s 6. I should probably eat. My mom and I have an argument about what to eat, how much it costs, and other nonsense bullshit. Eventually, around 7, I get my food. Sweet.

After eating, I’m tired. Maybe staying out all night last night wasn’t the brightest idea; I mean, it wasn’t even that fun. I take a nap.

I wake up about 9:30. One missed call from a friend, and two texts needed to be answered. I call my friend back – no answer. I text my friends back – one responds. Which is cool. I have something to do now, I guess.

Eventually, my friend calls back, “Sorry. I left my phone in the car,” he says… I don’t necessarily believe him, but whatever. I don’t necessarily give a shit either. He wants to hang out, and so we decide to do so.

After about an hour of chilling in my room, we finally decide to leave. I get a text from the person earlier, wanting me to work for her this Saturday. “Hey you! I wanted to say thank you again for working for me! Also, what are you doing this Wednesday? Maybe we could get lunch together or something?:)” – I don’t respond to this. I’m more pissed at the fact that:

1: Why not hang out earlier? Too busy with the guy who does everything wrong for you, and doesn’t actually like you?

2: Pity. Fuck that. I don’t need it.

3: This is how you make me feel better about working for you? By trying to give me the false hopes of us ever being together again?! I CAN’T PSYCHOLOGICALLY HANDLE THIS.

Moving on… We go to a friends house, and sit around for another 45 minutes. Then we all decide to go for a walk, where yet another friend calls and invites us over. Woot somewhere to go, something to do. Eventually, we get there. We talk for about two hours… Well, they talk for about two hours. I sit around staring at the campfire before us, thinking about my life.

Finally, I need to go. I have shit to do tomorrow. I’ve got to get out. I tell my friends I’m leaving. I walk, alone, back across town, get in my car, and drive home… Then I write about it.

This brings me up to where I am now. This is my life. This is my daily routine. This is my lifeless life. This sucks.

————-

Meh. I feel the need to blog. I’ll go insane if I don’t. Please comment if you have suggestions on this girl I really like, my life, my friends, or basically anything. I’ll take any response I can get my hands on. I’m dying from withdraw of a social life. Please, talk to me.

Excuse me for the lack of notes. I’d said a long while ago that I would probably be posting these a month apart or so… Well, It’s been four months since I’ve actually posted one like this, so I suppose now would be the acceptable time to write this.

This is note 5. If you haven’t noticed, I did skip a number. Back in October, I did write a fourth note. I never posted it simply because it cut far too deep to want people to read. I also believe that it’d turn too controversial, and I’d get my ass chewed out for thinking what I was… On top of that, I also figured someone would call someone else and I’d eventually wind up in a mental institute – a place I know I need not be. Perhaps I will post it when I’m more comfortable with it (I’d also have to explain clearly that it was from the past.)

Moving forward: This note will explain a slight bit of what has happened in the last quarter year, and explain how I’m feeling presently. Then I will explain where I believe I’m going, and how long I expect it to be before I’m consoled again.

August: I had a girlfriend around this time. Although the relationship was probably one of the best things I’ve ever experienced, it didn’t seem to last, and fell apart again… and again (This continues through the next month). I was ruined, torn, and felt like utter shit to be honest. I bathed myself in loathing as I tried to heal my heart. Which only further confused me.

September: September was a fight, and struggle for me to get up in the morning. School became a place to waste life away, and not accomplish anything… For instance, I began failing WELDING – quite an easy class to pass. I simply just didn’t want to do anything, and therefore didn’t. I was easily hurt by everything. It wouldn’t take much to piss me off, or make me more depressed. I imagine myself as a zombie around this time. Quite frankly, I viewed the world as just another circle of hell around me, and I fucking hated it.

I threw friends away left and right nearing the end of this month. A (could have been violent) rage struck me, and all I wanted to do was attack, or escape… I took the latter.

October: This was a month I tried to look happy, and like I was getting better, but inside I was melting. I was near the point of perpetual break-down. I was (probably still am) an asshole to everyone. I wished to end everything, because to me: everything was nothing. Also in this month, my personal belongings (Zune, bike, phone, and a little later my iPod) decided to break. I pictured that as the “icing on the cake,” and went crazy. One week particular was the hardest – during which time I didn’t go to school for half of the days, because they didn’t want me there. Life at home was falling apart, and coming to the realization of the people I live with are not what I expected, plainly sucked.

There was a monkey on my back at this time, constantly trying to make me venture past my breaking point. This is when I retaliated, and came up with a plan to rid myself of it. (I’ll explain this later…)

Also in this month was when I made one of the smarter decisions I’ve done… I made plans to attend counseling.

November: November was a step forward in life. The counseling seemed to help with this… or it could have been the drugs – I don’t quite remember. I liked having someone to talk to. He actually understood this position I’m in, and had superior knowledge with these types of feelings. I learned when I actually may have started becoming depressed, and how… – Years before I realized it.

I took a leave from work (I will be returning 1/1/11), and concentrated on what I must do to get happy again. Another one of my greatest decisions in a while. I do miss work though… and money. Through my leave, I seem to know where to go from here, and how I’ll be happy again. Of course, that comes with the combination of counseling.

I had good days in this month, so I’d say it was a successful one.

December: With it’s end nearing, I figure I should explain what has happened thus far. I’m not happy, but I’m not nearly close to where I was in October. This month has surprisingly gone by fast. I hate the holidays because of the memories of holiday’s passed, but I seem to have dealt with everything alright. Again, the leave and counseling is what I blame for being better.

Current Living Conditions:

Since I’ve taken my leave back in November, I have had the privilege of keeping Alexa nearly 24/7, which is an awesome gift to have. I was upset with it at first, but quickly grew into having her so often. This opportunity couldn’t have came at a better time for me, and for Alexa.

Very shortly after I had initiated my leave of absence at work, I was approached with the idea of adoption for Alexa. My mind instantly began bearing down the stress of this situation. After some time had passed, and I evaluated the pros and cons of adoption, and how it would change my life, I eventually arose to what is best: I chose to follow through with an adoption.

Adoption would solve more problems that I can think of in one sitting. Tragically, I can relate most of my troubles with how I pushed myself into a higher maturity by having Alexa. I know many people who would probably disagree with my decision in the most pure of ways, in which case, I can simply state to those people: You are not in my position, you do not know the last two years of my life, and simply can’t base your opinion on what you think you know.

Adoption would NOT be my way of exiting parenthood. Believe me, I love my daughter as much – if not more – than anyone else, and I wish there was a way to work out all of my life’s problems and still keep her. Sadly, every which way I look at my future with her, there will be a dark cloud over me, ready to strike me down any time I screw up. I’ve been told by many people that I’ll regret this decision and be more hurt by the guilt, rather than just keeping her and sticking with what I have. Again, these people do not know my placement in life, and therefore cannot jump to that conclusion. This adoption benefits everyone. Alexa will live in a new life with financial, and emotional stability – both things I can’t even provide for myself. She will no longer need to travel between different families who treat her completely differently than the next. She will be in a life of constants. She requires that. It will benefit me by relieving the simple, but constant stress about worrying for her. This is also end the disputes between my family, and Alexa’s mother’s. Not to make it sound self-centered or anything, but it will allow for everyone to continue on with life – that includes Alexa.

Moving past the situation with Alexa, and onto my self reflection: I am a hell of a lot better person that I started thinking I was many months ago. I’ve changed in many ways, and now view myself as a perfectly decent person overall. I still may not always act with these same thoughts, but eventually, I will get there. I am continuing forward with counseling because it truly is helping me immensely. Even with his help, I am far from where I feel I need to be.

Relationships… are difficult to describe. I know I’m better off without one, and I’ll most probably end up getting hurt repeatedly in the end, yet, I still long for one. I hate the emotions I have about then, especially while I’m in one. After being so hurt from my past relationships, I fear everything they stand for. But in order to survive, I need some sort of human attachment. No offense to my friends, but I still feel left out of the circle of humanity that their friendships don’t exactly cope with my feelings.

School should be a breeze from here on out. I, for the most part, have only extra-curriculars to do, and the rest will get done swiftly at the second chance. The first semester seemed to have flown by like none other, so I don’t see why the second wouldn’t as well. This is a vaguely awesome thing, that I have yet to thoroughly realize and enjoy.

All in all… Life sucks still, but with the help that I’ve got behind my back, I believe I’ll be pretty good until summer’s head comes around. At that point, occupying myself will become somewhat of a difficult task, and most likely, I’ll have troubles once more. Without a doubt – I am much better than before. I still have my off days, but I don’t take them to as serious of a level as I once have. I have changed so dramatically; from trying to make everything for me work out how I wished it to, to not bothering or questioning why things happen the way they do. I now just take whatever hell awaits me, and continue fourth with life.

I see myself depressed for quite a long time yet. However, I believe I’ll be content with life in a short six months. At least, I’d like to hope.

———

As with every other note I’ve written, thank you for reading this one. If you have talked to me about my writings, I’ve more than probably told you that I feel like I’m a better writer when I feel like crap – something I’m not fond of. In this note particularly, I was in a better mood, therefore – it’s quality has lessened a bit. Excuse me for that.

Once more: Thank you for reading. I truly appreciate those of you who take the time to read the massive amount of words as I have spilled out. Thank you.

The third addition to my notes. This one will once more point out things in my life that have changed me greatly, and will keep changing me. Then will be followed by how I am currently doing. With everything… Then it’ll end with more goals for myself.

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Before I start. I would like to say that this is going to be a multi-part note. I will release these notes in “Chapters” of aspects of my life. This is the first one in what should total to be about three or four notes. I would greatly appreciate if you would take the time to read these notes carefully. This is my last-ditch-effort to end this monologue of pain that I am putting myself through.
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I’ve added multiple spam-blocking addons to my blog:

1.  
   1. Akismet is now enabled.
   2. Simple Math Comment Spam plugin
   3. Simple Trace-Back Validation.

These three methods of spam-prevention are working incredibly well. Not one bit has gone though since I’ve enabled them. The downside is that now for users to comment, they must answer a simple math question (add [number 1-10] to [number 1-10]). This should not be hard for anyone. Sorry for having to do this, but the spam increased my MySQL quota. Almost by five times.

Believe it or not. I have a spam problem on my blog now. I’ve just got done deleting 277 comments that were 100% spam. I need to make a change to the blog to automaticly delete these spam messages.

All the comments over doubled my MySQL Database. Therefore it’s a gian problem that I will settle soon. For now, you must be registered to comment, sorry for the inconvienence.

So I bought a computer a few months ago. A giant. It’s freaking huge. Almost wouldn’t fit under my desk. I just set it up and started running it two days ago…. It was a bitch to get the wireless up and running. After 2 hours of messing around with that, I got it. Done. I left… I went back to work on it last night… I found some software that I no longer needed… Microsoft Office. So I was in the middle of uninstalling that…. *error* A hard drive error occurred, and well… the Boothmgr is missing and the computer wont boot up anymore. I doubt I’ll get it to work without loosing some data… I have to re-get an xp pro disc and set it all up again… This sucks though. I was going to start editing my websites with that computer… Anyway… Computer Specs below =]
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Yes… Um… It’s… Bare… Again. I ran intosome problems setting up another blog last  night… and I changed a directory to somewhere, and I couldnt fix it. So I ended up having to delete the blogs, and the MySQL database, and start new. Which sucks a lot because  I had a bunch of stuff I really would have liked to keep, but oh well. Crap happens I suppose. I’ll be back up posting stuff again, I’ll redo the theme later, and set back up the sidebar panel + widgets… Oh boy, great fun, right? -_-

~Mildy depressed MexiCo….