Part two of this series. This note will focus on more specific details that have happened to be in the past, which I soon hope to let go and/or come to terms with. I will do my best to refrain from mentioning names or details about people that have done harm. As close as these people are to me, they have dealt a great amount of emotional confusion, and frustration upon me. I forgive them, though.

Before It Kills Me:

Grandma. Wherever you are. I love you. I never had realized how much you meant to me until you were gone. All the time I spent with you was no where near enough. Now that you’re gone, and I will not be seeing you for maybe ever. I wish I could have told you what I feel now. I miss you desperately. There is nothing I wouldn’t give just to tell you how sorry I am for everything I did against your word. I love you.

While you were in the hospital, I visited you only when it was convenient for me. I was narcissistic – and basically a complete asshole. I am sorry. You were suffering, and needed as much loving support as you could get, and I denied it. I feel horrible for this. The least I could have done was visit you. (Why didn’t I visit you?!)

The worst part about your last few months of life is the fact that the last time I talked to you, two days before your death, I told you I would talk to you. I gave you a promise, my word, I would talk to you again. After that I didn’t talk to you, and when you were only an hour away from death, I had the choice to come and see you. I didn’t take that chance. I said no. I stayed at home, and listened to music and played on the computer… Later, as a song was playing, something hit me, and I burst into tears. I somehow knew you were deceased. No longer than three minutes later I got the call from my father confirming this… I still wonder what had told me this. Was it you?

As it settles:

A deep-seeded hate in myself has been digging its way deeper through the years. I had not been addressing these problems. I wish I have now. I have an epic amount of tangles and kinks that I need to work out. Starting with my…

Self-Confidence:
Little exists anymore. After an unbelievable amount of failure and refusals to attempt, I’m pretty well drained of any self-confidence I once had. This is one thing that I must find before anything else, it’s a necessity for anyone to have. People’s hatred directed at me have slaughtered this. And though I hate these people right back, I will not name them. Instead, I will give them a, “Job well done.” You’ve succeeded. I hate myself now. Not for long, however. Beginning now, I will build confidence upon what I have. I will strive to reach my maximum capabilities without failure.

Self-Reliance:
I have none. I cannot rely on myself to get my own assignments done. Task wise, people should not count on me to get anything completed. I don’t know what made me this way besides my laziness. I don’t get anything accomplished in school. This leads straight into duties not getting done outside of school, and then, into myself. It’s like an untreated infection – It is. With this I will do my best attempt on being as reliable as the word itself is; starting with myself. I will set goals, and meet them.

Self-Appreciation:
Like the others, I also lack appreciation for what I am unique, or otherwise special for. I understand I have talents that not many people have, but I don’t appreciate them and I wish I had what other people do. Good looks, luck, good at sports, being academically sufficient – the list goes on and on. Instead of slowly letting myself fall deeper into hate, I’m going to think of things to replace what I wish I had. Sure, some people may look good, but I know that I am probably a better, and nicer person. At least, when I try…

This Gap:

My faults, my flaws, my accidents. As much as I would love to rant and complain about previous relationships, I’m only going to be respectful and thank you. You’ve somehow helped me create a better me. A more likable person.
In the past few months, I’ve begun to let my heart fall closer to my sleeve. This must stop. Just as I would tell other people to, “Quit moping, and do something about it,” I am going to take my own advice, and just go for it.

Address, not Submit:

My ways of dealing with people who give me “put-downs,” is not working. What I used to do would be “let it slide,” dust it off my shoulder, drop it, and move on. Somehow, this is not working anymore, and I now feel the need to take action against these attacks. Needless to say, these people piss me off. I’m done dealing with the crap they throw at me. In a non-violent manner, I will settle these disputes.

Thoughts Become Clear, Ventilation Occurs.

The conclusion. I’ve said my commitments. I cannot say that I will accomplish them in a day, I never said I would in a month. There is no time set. There is only a goal in place.

Again, thank you for reading this. With equal amounts of love and thankfulness: Thank you. You don’t realize it, but just by knowing that you’ve read this, it makes me feel better about myself, and my point of view on this world we live in.