A Blog About Life… Isn't That Unusual?

Excuse me for the lack of notes. I’d said a long while ago that I would probably be posting these a month apart or so… Well, It’s been four months since I’ve actually posted one like this, so I suppose now would be the acceptable time to write this.

This is note 5. If you haven’t noticed, I did skip a number. Back in October, I did write a fourth note. I never posted it simply because it cut far too deep to want people to read. I also believe that it’d turn too controversial, and I’d get my ass chewed out for thinking what I was… On top of that, I also figured someone would call someone else and I’d eventually wind up in a mental institute – a place I know I need not be. Perhaps I will post it when I’m more comfortable with it (I’d also have to explain clearly that it was from the past.)

Moving forward: This note will explain a slight bit of what has happened in the last quarter year, and explain how I’m feeling presently. Then I will explain where I believe I’m going, and how long I expect it to be before I’m consoled again.

August: I had a girlfriend around this time. Although the relationship was probably one of the best things I’ve ever experienced, it didn’t seem to last, and fell apart again… and again (This continues through the next month). I was ruined, torn, and felt like utter shit to be honest. I bathed myself in loathing as I tried to heal my heart. Which only further confused me.

September: September was a fight, and struggle for me to get up in the morning. School became a place to waste life away, and not accomplish anything… For instance, I began failing WELDING – quite an easy class to pass. I simply just didn’t want to do anything, and therefore didn’t. I was easily hurt by everything. It wouldn’t take much to piss me off, or make me more depressed. I imagine myself as a zombie around this time. Quite frankly, I viewed the world as just another circle of hell around me, and I fucking hated it.

I threw friends away left and right nearing the end of this month. A (could have been violent) rage struck me, and all I wanted to do was attack, or escape… I took the latter.

October: This was a month I tried to look happy, and like I was getting better, but inside I was melting. I was near the point of perpetual break-down. I was (probably still am) an asshole to everyone. I wished to end everything, because to me: everything was nothing. Also in this month, my personal belongings (Zune, bike, phone, and a little later my iPod) decided to break. I pictured that as the “icing on the cake,” and went crazy. One week particular was the hardest – during which time I didn’t go to school for half of the days, because they didn’t want me there. Life at home was falling apart, and coming to the realization of the people I live with are not what I expected, plainly sucked.

There was a monkey on my back at this time, constantly trying to make me venture past my breaking point. This is when I retaliated, and came up with a plan to rid myself of it. (I’ll explain this later…)

Also in this month was when I made one of the smarter decisions I’ve done… I made plans to attend counseling.

November: November was a step forward in life. The counseling seemed to help with this… or it could have been the drugs – I don’t quite remember. I liked having someone to talk to. He actually understood this position I’m in, and had superior knowledge with these types of feelings. I learned when I actually may have started becoming depressed, and how… – Years before I realized it.

I took a leave from work (I will be returning 1/1/11), and concentrated on what I must do to get happy again. Another one of my greatest decisions in a while. I do miss work though… and money. Through my leave, I seem to know where to go from here, and how I’ll be happy again. Of course, that comes with the combination of counseling.

I had good days in this month, so I’d say it was a successful one.

December: With it’s end nearing, I figure I should explain what has happened thus far. I’m not happy, but I’m not nearly close to where I was in October. This month has surprisingly gone by fast. I hate the holidays because of the memories of holiday’s passed, but I seem to have dealt with everything alright. Again, the leave and counseling is what I blame for being better.

Current Living Conditions:

Since I’ve taken my leave back in November, I have had the privilege of keeping Alexa nearly 24/7, which is an awesome gift to have. I was upset with it at first, but quickly grew into having her so often. This opportunity couldn’t have came at a better time for me, and for Alexa.

Very shortly after I had initiated my leave of absence at work, I was approached with the idea of adoption for Alexa. My mind instantly began bearing down the stress of this situation. After some time had passed, and I evaluated the pros and cons of adoption, and how it would change my life, I eventually arose to what is best: I chose to follow through with an adoption.

Adoption would solve more problems that I can think of in one sitting. Tragically, I can relate most of my troubles with how I pushed myself into a higher maturity by having Alexa. I know many people who would probably disagree with my decision in the most pure of ways, in which case, I can simply state to those people: You are not in my position, you do not know the last two years of my life, and simply can’t base your opinion on what you think you know.

Adoption would NOT be my way of exiting parenthood. Believe me, I love my daughter as much – if not more – than anyone else, and I wish there was a way to work out all of my life’s problems and still keep her. Sadly, every which way I look at my future with her, there will be a dark cloud over me, ready to strike me down any time I screw up. I’ve been told by many people that I’ll regret this decision and be more hurt by the guilt, rather than just keeping her and sticking with what I have. Again, these people do not know my placement in life, and therefore cannot jump to that conclusion. This adoption benefits everyone. Alexa will live in a new life with financial, and emotional stability – both things I can’t even provide for myself. She will no longer need to travel between different families who treat her completely differently than the next. She will be in a life of constants. She requires that. It will benefit me by relieving the simple, but constant stress about worrying for her. This is also end the disputes between my family, and Alexa’s mother’s. Not to make it sound self-centered or anything, but it will allow for everyone to continue on with life – that includes Alexa.

Moving past the situation with Alexa, and onto my self reflection: I am a hell of a lot better person that I started thinking I was many months ago. I’ve changed in many ways, and now view myself as a perfectly decent person overall. I still may not always act with these same thoughts, but eventually, I will get there. I am continuing forward with counseling because it truly is helping me immensely. Even with his help, I am far from where I feel I need to be.

Relationships… are difficult to describe. I know I’m better off without one, and I’ll most probably end up getting hurt repeatedly in the end, yet, I still long for one. I hate the emotions I have about then, especially while I’m in one. After being so hurt from my past relationships, I fear everything they stand for. But in order to survive, I need some sort of human attachment. No offense to my friends, but I still feel left out of the circle of humanity that their friendships don’t exactly cope with my feelings.

School should be a breeze from here on out. I, for the most part, have only extra-curriculars to do, and the rest will get done swiftly at the second chance. The first semester seemed to have flown by like none other, so I don’t see why the second wouldn’t as well. This is a vaguely awesome thing, that I have yet to thoroughly realize and enjoy.

All in all… Life sucks still, but with the help that I’ve got behind my back, I believe I’ll be pretty good until summer’s head comes around. At that point, occupying myself will become somewhat of a difficult task, and most likely, I’ll have troubles once more. Without a doubt – I am much better than before. I still have my off days, but I don’t take them to as serious of a level as I once have. I have changed so dramatically; from trying to make everything for me work out how I wished it to, to not bothering or questioning why things happen the way they do. I now just take whatever hell awaits me, and continue fourth with life.

I see myself depressed for quite a long time yet. However, I believe I’ll be content with life in a short six months. At least, I’d like to hope.

———

As with every other note I’ve written, thank you for reading this one. If you have talked to me about my writings, I’ve more than probably told you that I feel like I’m a better writer when I feel like crap – something I’m not fond of. In this note particularly, I was in a better mood, therefore – it’s quality has lessened a bit. Excuse me for that.

Once more: Thank you for reading. I truly appreciate those of you who take the time to read the massive amount of words as I have spilled out. Thank you.

In the last month, I’ve begun attending counseling sessions. Recently, I’ve been recommended to begin taking anti-depressants to help me fight everything that is holding me back from accomplishing my goals. I am severely concerned about the physiological part of these types of drugs however. I’ve watched some people who’ve taken them, and began to gain weight uncontrollably, they seem to dumb down a bit, and overall become dependant on this “medicine,” to live. I do NOT want this to become of me. I’m already ashamed of what I’ve let myself become, and I do -not- want to become something worse: an addict.

So, as needless as this is to ask: What are your thoughts on this kind of medications?

• Do they work? How?
• Are the side-effects something to fear?
• Addictiveness?
• Will I begin to think/react differently?
• What if they don’t work?
• Are they long-term or short-term solutions?
  • If long, how long? Will I ever stop?
  • If short, how do I stop them? How fast do they work?
• SHOULD I DO THIS?!

These are just some of the questions I’ve been able to come up with after two minutes of thinking. I have a next-to-unlimited amount of questions that I could ask about them… I just don’t know what to decide about this. Any help at all would be completely wanted, and appreciated.

Since my last “note,” I’ve not been writing as much, and I’ve definitely gone through a regression with this depression. I’m almost back at square one – exactly what I was running away from. This isn’t a note like the others; this is just to explain why there will be an indefinite hiatus of notes in the future. The last month and a half has become quite a dozy for me, and I am now finally feeling the need to talk about it.

I no longer feel strong positive or negative emotion. With anything. An example would be: Before, when a new album was coming out soon, I’d get excited and wouldn’t be able to wait for the release date; now I have no idea when albums are coming out, and I’m not surprised when an awesome band comes out with a new album. This is just one of many examples of my loss of emotion.

I want to… not be here. Whenever this spiritual figure wants to come and take me away, I openly accept the welcoming it’s offering. People in school will act tough by faking going to hit me (woo, real tough guys here…) – I used to flinch at the sight of a fist coming my way, nowadays, I don’t even blink. I’m hoping someone in school will build up enough hate towards me in order to actually take me out. Every time I cross a road and see a vehicle approaching me at a stop sign, I wish it would just keep going. And up until just a few days ago, I’ve always feared the thought of killing myself – I no longer find fear in suicide. I still believe it’s foolish, spiteful, unnecessary, and dumb. But it feels so worth it now, to just be done and over with – no more anything. I don’t want to wait for the ever-so-promising “it’ll get better,” I’ve been told, I just want to be done completely. What has happened thus far has and will scar me for the entirety of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see happier days, even if the greatest thing I could imagine would happen.

No emotions. Cool, right? I don’t exactly enjoy, or hate this. When another traumatic even decides to come my way, I won’t have to deal with the pain and suffering it presents itself with. On the other side, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love my daughter like I would if I’d not be in this depression. Not being able to love someone like you should is a curse. Another thing is that I can’t connect with people as well, when people are telling me positive or negative stories, I don’t know how to respond. I don’t feel excitement, I don’t feel bad for them. I just… – nothing.

“Killing yourself is selfish.” Hell yes it is, I’m very well intelligent enough to know that, thanks. But you need to understand this: I’m a selfless person; I’ve given far more into this world than I have ever been returned. I’m not saying that my relationship with the world and society needs to find equilibrium, I’m only stating that it would be nice if someone would appreciate the things I do out of the goodness is my heart. I only have myself to thank for what I do for other people. Killing myself seems, at this point, like a way to get final thanks from myself, and maybe others as well. Along with this, I’m NOT saying that I’m not getting enough attention. Attention is the last thing I could care about. I’m simply stating that I do many things without expecting appreciation, but not once has anyone ever thanked me for what I’ve done.

Whether you believe me or not, I deal with so many more problems than other people my age. I am constantly being back-stabbed, and slandered behind my back. I deal with financial instability on a daily basis. I am a father. I am a full time student. I have absolutely no more time to do the things I enjoy in life. Every day is becoming school, work, chores, sleep, repeat. On top of this busy schedule, I am still trying to deal with my personal problems: this depression, anxiety, my overall well-being. I’m on my final limb, I’m being pushed to the point where killing myself feels right.

Admittedly, yes. I would be leaving my first-born daughter alone – fatherless. My thoughts on this subject are still being dealt with. What I’ve come up with so far is: Alexa is becoming me. She’s learning the same as I do. She’s acting like I do. As much as I love seeing her see me as her role-model, I feel as though I am a monster. I don’t want to see my daughter becoming the same monster as me. I know I’d be an unimaginable loss for her, forever, and I should probably hate myself for even considering the thought of suicide. I can only hope that she would be able to find another, better, fatherly image in my place.

Some people would say that – what I consider to be basic knowledge – is a gift. I understand a lot more about human connections and can almost predict the future of some people, given some very basic information about them. Along with this, I’ve noticed that I am also given the “gift,” to be able to read people. I hate this. People can try to hold how they’re feeling in, and I can see straight through the lies they put up as their barrier… Uniquely, I have also been given the gift to produce my own emotions. There are very few times I will not be able to control what I feel. I use my pretend emotions as a barrier to keep the real me away from society. Not to keep society out. This is not a gift I possess. It’s a curse.

————–

Since the last note came out, things quickly began running downhill. Nameless, a girlfriend broke up with me. My self-motivation was detrimentally impacted. I was amazed at how it all happened. I tried finding happiness elsewhere; I began drinking and resorted to other methods of drugs. I would stay up all night just wishing I would rot. I gained friends for the wrong reasons, and I truly let the handle I had on life slip. I became that exact person I hate so much: that fucker that goes under the radar and ruins friendships/relationships. This lead into building self-pity – I felt horrible for what I was doing, and I still continued to do it. Friends decided that going being my back and trying to cover up what had happened with lies was the right decision. I exploded, and began threatening their future plans. I made it clear to them that we are no longer friends, and that I hate them. School became a hassle and I was slowing down on getting assignments done. I hit the ultimate low, again. Then I began searching for help, I tried telling my parents what was going on, this only seemed to add more confusion in my life. I tried letting my co-workers in on what was going on, this slightly helped, but not as much as I need. I tried telling the person I believed might actually do something for me… I believe, for the most part, I was ignored, this person didn’t care that I was -again- on the verge of going absolutely insane. Instead, this person was rushed, and just wanted to hear what I had to say, then never say anything about it again. I’m helpless.

Lately I’ve finally come to terms with what I am: Insatiable. Nothing I do, and nothing anyone else can do will ever replace my happiness. I feel like over a million tons are bearing down on my shoulders, and I’ve already hit the floor. If I were given everything I wanted at this moment, I still would not be happy, simply for the fact I had to put up with all of this bullshit for so long. Nothing will satisfy me at all. Helpless, emotionless, hopeless is where I stand. I carry an unmeasurable amount of pity on me, that is deteriorating what I am, who I want to become, and everything else that I come in contact to. I loathe myself for what I’ve allowed myself to become.

Beginning this month, I’ve decided that because nothing I have done can no longer help me, I am going to go to counseling for my problems. I don’t fully believe that counseling helps anyone, because every counselor I have previously talked to has never told me anything to do. They’ve always just let me rant, bring up all of my problems again, and overall just make everything worse. I don’t believe that counselors are good people, like they’re portrayed to be. They’re paid to listen to people’s bullshit, and talk to them. I can only hope I’m wrong. I need to find someone like me; I need to find someone who will talk to me because they enjoy helping people, and they have had similar experiences. Someone paid to do this doesn’t seem like the person I want to tell all of my secrets, lies, and other personal information I hold.

The third addition to my notes. This one will once more point out things in my life that have changed me greatly, and will keep changing me. Then will be followed by how I am currently doing. With everything… Then it’ll end with more goals for myself.

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Part two of this series. This note will focus on more specific details that have happened to be in the past, which I soon hope to let go and/or come to terms with. I will do my best to refrain from mentioning names or details about people that have done harm. As close as these people are to me, they have dealt a great amount of emotional confusion, and frustration upon me. I forgive them, though. Read more

Before I start. I would like to say that this is going to be a multi-part note. I will release these notes in “Chapters” of aspects of my life. This is the first one in what should total to be about three or four notes. I would greatly appreciate if you would take the time to read these notes carefully. This is my last-ditch-effort to end this monologue of pain that I am putting myself through.
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I suppose you could refer to this as a rant, but I see it as a persuasive writing. I carefully wrote this with the thought that I’d be able to turn it into some sort of presentation to give to my school. Whether it be though a speech, or posting up on the walls. I want it to be read/heard. So please, pass this on. The only thing I ask is to leave it uncredited, and do not take credit of it. I don’t want credit of this for one simple reason: We all think think this. Or at least the majority of us do. Anyone could write the work I’ve put on this paper, but becuase I haven’t seen anyone do so, I did.

Correcting School’s Corrections

            Every two days at Mitchell High School we have a black day. Teachers will give out homework to do, and bring back – completed – on the next black day. The way teachers correct papers is quite funny though. Some like to correct them while the students are working on their next assignment, some like to take them all home and spend all night working on them, then, there’s the instant class correct. This is where the teacher says, “Pass your papers to your neighbor to correct.” This can become a problem, don’t you think? The “instant correct” method of correcting papers is – to me – the least effective, and most disliked way of correcting. I’m here to change the teachers that do use this method. This is not going to be me saying it’s the teachers fault. I’m not going to rag on them, as they probably get enough of that in class. I’m going to focus on more why it’s a bad system to use.
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I see that last time I told anyone about my music collection was May 12, 2009. This means I must give an update. Here are my new statistics:

• 9,732 files
• 50.4 Gigabytes
• 652 hours, 29 minutes, 21 seconds

You can view a complete formatted list of all my music artists here or here(unformatted). (Please note that there may be some un-organization due to some songs being from miscellaneous sources, or having no actual band that played them. I do, however, assure you that this is my true music collection, and I listen to everything that is placed in my music folder.

The statistics are made using MediaMonkey, and selecting my music folder and waiting for all the statistics at the bottom to be done.

Probably the best song on their newest album. Great lyrics, as well. Here they are:

No streets to cry at night
For change to come about
We’ve finally worn out our welcome

And we plague the cities with disease
And we breed too many mouths to feed
It’s no surprise I’d like to see it all wash away

So let the story drop
With infinite power
Yet I’ll stand strong
Just counting the hours
Like nothing’s wrong
While the city’s devoured
The storm rolls on, in these final hours

It’s too late despite our regrets
We deserve everything we get
And I cant wait for the rain
I invite the earthquakes to hurricanes
And I love the moments just like this
Where the walls come down, and the chaos hits
Theres nothing like an apocalypse to open your eyes

So let the story drop
With infinite power
Yet I’ll stand strong
Just counting the hours
Like nothing’s wrong
While the city’s devoured
The storm rolls on, in these final hours

In these final hours

(Let is destroy everything)
(Don’t wanna save anything)

And I don’t care
If I watch the ocean swallow everything
I welcome the change
I’m so sick of this complete ignorance
Don’t care who survives
Cause I’ll be fine.

So let the story drop
With infinite power
Yet I’ll stand strong
Just counting the hours
Like nothing’s wrong
While the city’s devoured
The storm rolls on, in these final hours

(Let it destroy everything)
In these final hours
(Don’t wanna save anything)
Just let the storm keep raging on and on
It goes on and on
Rages on and on
In these final hours.

And the YouTube link to the song: Here