A Blog About Life… Isn't That Unusual?

I hate to sound like a sixteen year old girl, but this probably will come out like that, sadly.

I haven’t seen my friends in three weeks.

I’ve barely talked to my friends in three weeks. When I did talk to them, which if I can recall correctly, was only twice, it was, “Hey, can you fix my computer?” and, “You should build me a computer, just send me a part list and get it shipped to you, and drop it off after you build it.”

Fuck me. Is that all I’m really useful for? Is that the only reason I’m kept as a friend? I’m a utility that they use. I don’t feel like I’m invited to any gatherings, which I do have reasons to believe have occurred in the last three weeks. I’m not wanted around, unless they want something from me, and I fucking hate it.

I also hate asking to hang out, because no only likes to come over to my house; probably since I’ve got a child, so I understand that I suppose. So asking to hang out is like, “Hey man, did you forget about me? I want to hang out, can I come over?” and I look like a loser who has to invite himself to shit in order to get an invite. Pitiful.

So… This comes out because today was a real downer. It’s a Saturday night, where most people should be down to do something, right? I woke up this morning and started working on my car, got the oil and a misfiring spark plug changed. I ate some food at my parents, and the discussion of an ongoing bedroom renovation was brought up. My father had asked if I wanted help laying out the new flooring we got about a month ago. While that was not necessarily what I wanted to do with my day, hey, I didn’t have any other real plans, so why not? I accepted the help and we got to it. It took from 1:30 to 9:30. A full work day of putting down flooring (we did get it all done, yay). It felt great to have it done, and still with enough time to go out and have some drinks or something with friends. I had gotten an invite (surprised me, really) to go over to a friends place, and I texted him saying I’d be on my way after a shower. He replied that no one else had wanted to do anything so he was just going to watch something and go to bed. Still, I wanted to do something, so I texted someone and asked if they wanted to do anything. Half an hour goes by before I got a response, which was a no as well. I texted a third friend, who called me back immediately and said he would hang out – he would text me when he was heading to the rendezvous location. Instead, after a few minutes he texted that he was going home.

Stupid me thought that meant that he was going to have people over instead of going out. I was wrong. I left my house and texted him that I was on my way, and got the response of, “Going to bed”. Damn.

I am a massive introvert, and rarely feel the urge, or gain the courage to ask people to hang out, so this was tough to get shot down the ways I did tonight. Perhaps everyone is busy or really doesn’t want to do anything, and my timing is just really that shitty. It’s possible. At the same time, that first person I texted is sitting down and playing Pokemon, cause that’s what they said they were doing, and going to do. I get the game just came out and stuff, but really? “No, I’d rather play this new game than hang out with you” kinda hurts (That’s not a real quote, just how I interpret it).

I just want a friend. I want someone that I can hang out with, even if all we do is watch youtube, or you play your new video game and I just watch, even if we get together to watch a movie or something. I just felt like today was productive enough, and a good enough day to maybe end it with seeing some friends I haven’t seen in some time. I guess I don’t deserve that gratification in my life. Not blaming my friends, like I said, I understand people sometimes just don’t wanna do anything. My luck is just garbage, and it makes me feel like a useless, boring, tool for people.

P.S.:
Also, yes, I have a wife, and I could just hang out with her, but she went to bed at the end of my waiting around for people to respond to me. Maybe that’s what I should have done, since it was a waste of time thinking I was going to see any one.

Let’s be clear, #MollieTibbetts is not dead because of our border policies. Mollie Tibbetts is dead because a MALE felt entitled to follow her, approach her and then assault and murder her when she did not return his advance. This is about male violence against women NOT immigration

I saw this post today. Regarding my last post, this is exactly why I dislike Facebook.

This post has nothing to offer other than to make people’s political agendas flare up. More ammunition for either argument. I don’t care which side you’re on. You’re wrong if you are on any “side”.

It is in my opinion that bad people do bad things. Why bring race, or immigration, or sex into any of this matter? Americans have murdered people before. Women have killed, too. Legal and illegal immigrants have also killed. For fucks sake, it’s just bad people.

Stack one more up on the most convoluted, and dense platform to ever exist… Facebook.

You, too, Twitter. Don’t think I’ve overlooked you.

God damn this social media.

Society is utter garbage right now. It’s impressive that everyone’s just allowed it to go this far into the shit pile. I know I’m not helping by complaining too – but let me speak.

This train of thought started yesterday, and stemmed from suicide. Suicide rates are incredibly high. It’s a mystery how I have not committed the act yet. Not that that is a plan I’ve got anymore though, so don’t be alarmed. I wade through the murky swamp of life these days, just trying to ignore it all.

I’m not saying that there’s causation, but the correlation is definitely there. We’ve had super famous people killing themselves over the last couple of years, while society is barreling downhill. Don’t you think that there is possibly a connection between the two? I’ll tell you right now, my main problem with depression is the fact that I can’t stand general crowds of people. I know they all suck, and together form a conglomerate of disrespect and hate. It’s atrocious and despicable. People should form together for great and uplifting things. Society is not working as a whole anymore. So I choose to stay away, purely out of self preservation.

Most recently, there has been a shit show – at least in the U.S. over the separation of families illegally crossing the border. While my stance on that is forcibly separating families is wrong, and that is the general uproar in society, I also have to point out the hypocrisies in this stance. The U.S. opposes family separation, but has no problem divorcing after children. Don’t you think that is an issue? All of these families already inside our country have been torn apart, too.

“But that’s okay because those marriages weren’t working and are unhealthy for the children.”

Aside from marriages that are abusive, that statement is bullshit. I don’t care if your marriage is failing, and makes being around each other hard. You have an obligation to withstand each other for the sake of your fucking kids. Your children require two parents to comprehend the fundamentals of a relationship. Without that stability and understanding, they too, will most likely end up in divorce. Congratulations on making this problem worse.

I can go on and on about this subject, but I’d rather break these posts down into something a bit more palatable, and give something that people can ingest, and dwell on. Perhaps it might change the behaviors of some. I can only wish. So lets wrap this up soon.

People love to complain about all of these issues around the world. So why has it become so rampant in only the last couple years? Well I’ve got an answer, and it hurts me down to the core of my being. It’s the internet’s fault – or at least the misuse of the internet.

I love the internet, a significant portion of my life is spent around technology and the internet. I honestly do not know what I would do without it these days. However, the speed at which information travels is too fast. It was only a few years ago that “vine.co” was a thing, and when it did come out, it utilized the bandwidth most modern cell phones had at that time (3G I believe was the fastest, but 4G was rolling out). As soon as mobile device internet speeds increased to a volume that could allow instant full videos being uploaded to the rest of the world, society began its uproar. Suddenly, if there are tragedies happening, they are happening everyone at once. Almost everyone has a little box in their pocket capable of recording and sending videos or pictures of things happening now. Sandy Hook took place just before 2013, and the gun debate ignited. Countless other shootings and tragedies occurred since, and people only seem to get their panties further in a bunch.

I’m not saying that it’s wrong for people to have an opinion, and to fight for something they believe, I’m doing this right now with this post. However, my platform I speak on has next to no real readers, and thus next to no real foundation to start a societal shit show. That’s where Facebook and Twitter come into play. The social networks are the scaffolding for this extreme divide in morals and opinions. They are a free breeding ground for spewing out the hateful, insensitive, and often misleading garbage. Russia used these social networks to fuck with the U.S. election. Whether you believe it had an effect on the outcome, I blatantly do not give a fuck – I’m merely stating that there at LEAST was an attempt, successful or not. This can be backed up by the websites themselves admitting it happened.

I’m also not saying that the social networks were invented for these purposes, and it’s not their fault. It’s yours, society. You have abused and misused technology to further advance your own self serving agendas and I am fucking sick of you. I can only imagine the sense or relief that people like Robin Williams (I’m aware he also had health concerns), Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, Anthony Bourdain, and (who knows if it was suicide, but I’m throwing it in here) Verne Troyer. These were good people and society broke them down, and gave them a reason to end their life. They are the lucky ones.

• Working a job that is boring me to death, with people who don’t like me
• Not making enough money for the things that I want (and even some things I need)
• Constantly tired from some malnourishment I can’t seem to correct
• Ongoing paranoia and irrational thoughts about friends and family
• Waking up every morning with the same crap mood that I’ve had for weeks

I went through some old letters and things this last week… Back when I had created my own friend base, and it felt like people actually wanted anything to do with me. I read a bunch of thank you letters about how much I’ve helped my friend and past people of my life get through some of the toughest times in their lives. At the time, it just seemed easy to be there to listen to those people, and be the person that they could depend on. Unless things have changed since, I’m fairly sure they’re all still doing well.

I, however, am not. While I cannot put a finger on exactly what’s wrong; other than the strain of chronic depression, which happens to currently be leaning into a more severe crisis.

Maybe it’s nostalgia coming from reading those letters, and just wishing I had a friend similar to who I was for my friends back then. I don’t know. All I can say is that this really sucks, and I don’t know what I can do to better myself right now.

Going back to therapy is tough to do, since my time is very well used up, and I can’t afford the bills that it would dump on me.

Maybe get back on the antidepressants? It’s a possibility, but the fear that I might make myself feel worse is scary, and I don’t want to do anything irrational.

Get new/more friends is an option, if my brain allowed me to have better interpersonal connections.

I used to be able to sleep a lot of these thoughts away and be in a better mood after a good night’s rest. I can’t hardly recall the last time I felt rested. The first thing I think about each morning is how much the day is going to beat me down, and intensify the shitty feelings I’m already having, and it’s awful.

There was a conversation I had enabled to take place a few years back. It revolved around a picture that was circulating the internet at the time. It was a picture of a soldier giving his condolences along with medal to a young child. This young child had lost his father in battle, and was given the last item that the child will remember his father by. On this picture, there was the caption, “Your father was 360 quickscoped”.

It’s a horrible, horrible thing to have on this picture, but at the time, I did zero research into the background of the picture, and had just thought it was a stock photo with a caption. I posted this picture to social media, and tagged a few friends. From there, a verbal feud ensued, and I sat back and let it continue.

Somewhere along the line, the phrase “Have a heart” was used. For some reason, that phrase hits me hard to this day. It fills me full of guilt and anger. It can move me to tears, and spark hate deep in me.

“Come on, have a heart.”

If someone uses that phrase with me, I will politely tell them to go fuck themselves, and that I do have a heart. My heart is just buried underneath thick layers of scar tissue. With as many betrayals, breaches of trust, heartbreaks, traumas, and other emotional and physical distresses I’ve incurred, I impress myself that I still have a heart.

Just because my sense of humor is off taste, or sometimes just plain distasteful doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart or feelings. I’m just separated from the feelings in exchange for some humor. If you want me to show my feelings, let me know, or get me into a state where I am -able- to show my feelings. For that, I’d have to trust you, and that’s the hardest part of all.

I’ve been going through a little rough time recently, but I don’t have time to explain that all, instead, I just want to write this down and see if anyone can relate.

I have always felt like I have something great to offer the world. I am smart, understanding, caring, and almost everything you would look for in a person. Although I’ll admit to some downfalls, absolutely.

But you know what really kills me? The fact that I’ve never felt needed. I’ve never felt like anyone has needed me, or wanted me entirely, for that matter. I feel like the person who is just kinda there when no one else is. I’ve always been the 2nd, or last option. Whether it’s my friends, my relatives, my family. It’s just always how I’ve felt.

Is this just an internal misconception? Or is this just… A normal human being feeling? How many people out there feel like this, too. How does one come with feeling like this?

Postscript:

I feel like this post requires some sort of follow-up. What feeling I attempted to convey was. I want to -feel- accepted into other people lives, not just tolerated. I want to feel like I add something to a group activity, or into my interpersonal relationships. Currently, I feel like I may have lost that somewhere along the way, and that’s an awful feeling. I used to be a person that people could go to for issues, and advice. That hasn’t happened for years, and chances are that is generally my fault, but I also feel like there may have been some amount of betrayal along the way. Perhaps I’m just paranoid, I don’t know. It’s like I’ve lost my mind.

There’s a strange collision of jealousy and lack of social skills taking place within me, and it’s pulling me apart.

Three years today, I had experienced the worst day of my life. Which had then continued to turn into the worst month of my life. Quite honestly, it changed me into a bitter person, and yet a better person.

Before I go on, however, I would like to say that although this was caused by one person, I no longer have any ill intent or feelings about them. Other than the heart-sink feeling whenever I hear the name, or see a picture. Stuff like that still exists for a couple people in my life.

I have a very large draft written about this experience, but I’ve never gotten around to finishing it. Mainly because it hurt too damn much to recall the details of what happened. Perhaps someday I may be able to return to it, and bring myself to post it.

Whatever.

The gist of this is: I got broken up with. It was a very awful break up. The day after a wedding. On the east coast of the country. We still had to live together for a month, because I was granted a period of time before she moved out where I could become financial stable by myself. Which is nice, and terrible simultaneously.

Shit happens. It’s been three years since that day, and I’ve moved on in an extraordinary way. Yet, there’s something that bothers me on a bone marrow-deep level. My core still burns inside when reflecting on this day. I honestly don’t understand why. There’s typically very little that I can’t 100% let go; I can count them on one hand.

Maybe it’s just the fact that, that’s the day that set me onto the path that I’m still on today. Life changing experiences tend to stick with you, I suppose. Anyway. I wanted to post something about it, because this is the first time I’ve ever experienced an annual “depression”(?) It’s not a sad thing, it’s just a… wow. Thing… And that I’ve never posted about it before.

Well, aside of many many life changing events in my last near-two-years, I’ve finally come to the absolute conclusion as to why I cannot think of a good topic to talk about.

But first – I know you’re thinking, “What does he mean by life changing?” (Considering you’ve ever came back after so long without any updated, or if anyone in general is reading this crap I post.) Well, what I’m talking about is all condensed into this short list:

• Dumped
• Moved
• Got a job
• Boozed my way through the dumping
• Regained consciousness that boozing doesn’t helping dumping
• Found new lady
• Impregnated said lady
• Bought a house
• Had another child
• Got a pet dog
• Found a new job

That was in chronological order, in case you were wondering.

Now, as I was saying aside from that list, why haven’t I been able to think of anything to really write about? What is it that’s keeping me from opening up my mind and just exploring my thoughts on it? I’m fairly sure it’s just the fact that no conversations I’ve had with people have made me really question anything, or want to explore any deeper into my own mind, and come up with my own reasoning, solutions, or any relevant conversation to relate to the topic.

And you know what? It freaking sucks. I used to go to school, whether it was college or high school, and I’d come home after being with so many different people with different opinions on matters; now, I work with the same people every day – and we do have good conversations – but they’re not inspiring conversations. They don’t make me want to get on the computer and write down my thoughts. They aren’t the same mind-expanding topics that I had with people in school, as I got to know them on a personal level.

I don’t want to say that people I work with, or anyone currently in my life is boring, because my life certainly is not. It’s just nothing new, or if it is, it’s something that is too personal – Like, too personal. I’ve wrote a lot of personal things, but I could usually generalize them in order to blog about them. With these, I simply cannot.

Going on, I’ve definitely gotten multiples of rough drafts started about all the things I’ve been going through the last couple of years. But they’ve always seemed to run into a dead end. There’s only a chance that one of those drafts will make it’s way to light, as long as my memory still will serve me correctly on the story, as the amount of alcohol I consumed to forget the whole ordeal did, possibly, work. As far as the heavier details anyway.

I just thought I should drop by and let anyone know that I am still actively looking at my own website. I just can’t think of any new content to bring to light. And I apologize for that.

Normally, on a holiday like this, I would be able to say what I’m thankful for, and not just the obvious family and friends. I mean, being thankful for the smaller things.

This year, it feels a bit different. Of course, I’m still thankful for my family and friends. They are great. The little things though… They’re tough this year. I see posts on social media, and I try to say what I’m thankful for.

There’s not much this year, overall… I’ve lost some people close to me this year. I can feel like health taking a massive decline. I’m not as happy with my job as I wish I were. I’m barely skimming by this year. I guess I should be thankful for that.

But just skimming by is not how I want to live, it takes a heavy and brutal toll on my heart, on my mind, and on my body. I can’t keep this up, and I’m pissed that I can’t figure out how to change it.

I wake up to the subtle vibration of my cell.

“Hello?”

“Just wanted to let you know, your girl’s off fuckin’ another guy”

“What?”

I can hardly comprehend what is being said, still being in the fog of my sleep.

“Bummer, just thought you should know”

A bright light shines in my right eye as I come out of my haze.

It’s 3:24 am, and my girlfriend is babysitting across town.

I can’t sleep, as I try to replay whose voice that was.

High school, I almost long to return to…