A Blog About Life… Isn't That Unusual?

When I was preparing for High School, I viewed it as a new beginning; I could finally put my past behind me, and begin concentrating on schoolwork strictly. For the first six months, I was doing great; I found new friends, and my grades were relatively good, when compared to my previous years of school. Just before the turn of the 2007^th year, my Grandmother passed away from ovarian cancer. That saying, “You never know what you have until it’s gone.” That saying works both in material, and in people. Death is natural, and is naturally a tough thing to deal with; my Grandmother meant a world to me – a world I didn’t even know existed.

Marion was the centerpiece of my whole family. For every Holiday, with the exception to The Fourth of July, we would always meet at her house, and be a complete family for a few days. She would make a lunch large enough for the fifteen of us to devour, twice – a lunch and a dinner. These times are a pristine treasure in my memory bank. A house full of family is something that didn’t come often, and wasn’t appreciated to the extent -it deserved to be. My Grandmother forfeited her house to us, and we were privileged to treat it as our own. She had a heart with the capacity to contain us, and more.

The last time I saw my grandmother alive was four days before her passing. The visit wasn’t long; she was tired and fatigued from the painkillers she was on, and my family had other plans to do for the remainder of the day. For years, I haven’t forgiven myself for this day because of how the visit ended. My last words to my Grandmother, said with the upmost sincerity in my voice were, “I will see you again. I love you.” These words still bring a sting to my eyes and a faint feeling to my head.

The nights before she died, I vividly remember everything that happened. Most of my family was in the hospital for the past forty-eight hours, because we could all see what was to come, we just weren’t exactly sure when. My family tells me the night before she died; she sat up in bed around 2:00 a.m. and said each family member’s name. Marion was an extremely religious person, and through her, my family has fairly strong religious beliefs. They all agree that in the last twenty-four hours of her life, she was given to opportunity to say goodbye to each one of her family members individually. These were her last words…

The next day everything was quiet. She never said anything, and she didn’t really move. It seemed as though she had succumbed to the fatigue. After I got out of school, my parents asked if I wanted to go see her. I turned them down, thinking that it would be too hard to see her in such a terrible condition. Instead, I spent the day in my room on my computer, listening to music and grasping on for my own sanity. Eventually, around eight that night, my cousins decided to leave the hospital, thinking and hoping that Marion would make it through another night, and they would be back in the morning. Shortly after they departed, my father called me. “It’ll be tonight… do you want me to come get you? It’ll probably be in the next hour. Okay.”

Again, I made the decision to not go and see her, for the same reasons already mentioned.

About fifteen minutes after my phone call with my Dad, my Grandmother passed away. I knew it had happened before I received word from anyone telling me. I recall exactly what I was doing, and even the song I was listening to at the time. I was sitting in front of my desk, reading through Facebook, listening to “Maria,” by Still Remains, when I felt like something just hit me. Immediately, I just felt like my Grandmother was gone. I instantly busted out crying and questioning myself on why I wasn’t there. It wasn’t more than three minutes later my Father called to tell me what had happened at the hospital. I then decided to get taken there.

Walking into the building that night was horrible; the hospital is supposed to be a place where people are safe, and everything is under control; that night was the opposite entirely. My Dad walked me through the halls, leading me to my Grandma’s room, and I was crying the whole way there. Upon approaching the room, I regained my composure, and peered in. I saw all my Aunts and Uncles standing, and discussing where to go from here; my Cousins lined the walls, sitting down with the most vacant look in all their eyes, anguish had taken its toll.

We were in the room for about an hour and a half. Everything stayed mostly quiet. I never fully walked into the room, because the sight of my Grandmother laying there was too much to handle. Her body was lying down, pale as paper; a warm moist cloth covered her eyes. I asked my Father why it was there. She donated her corneas – the only thing she was able to donate.  After the family had had enough time to grieve in the Hospital, we all went to Grandma’s house to further discuss our options.

Being at my Grandmother’s house while she wasn’t there was an eerie feeling for me. It seemed like her home, which used to hold warmth and love for everyone within it, was colder than usual. Silence overcame everything within the house. My family sat around for an hour without saying a word. I spoke softly with my Cousins who had arrived back in town shortly after receiving their phone call. My parents had discovered a few notes wrote by Marion. These letter were her telling us how to plan and execute her funeral. Along with this note pile was a poem that she wanted read aloud at her visitation. My Grandmother had always been a very planned and organized person, to find these things, were almost foreseen.

The day following her death, I returned to school. Instead of focusing on my work, my mind exploded into a million different directions, all of which disregarded school completely. I couldn’t focus on anything besides replaying the past four days in my head. Eventually, after pissing of a few teachers with my inability to concentrate, I went to the counselor’s office to simmer. I repeated this process for the whole week.

Everything at this time was distant, for lack of a better word. I felt as if I was living in some hollow, carved our shell of a person. I thought to myself how this couldn’t be real. I wanted to just pretend everything was normal, and that I had nothing wrong in my life. People could talk straight to me, and I wouldn’t hear anything besides some noise that sounded as if it were submerged in water. Family and music were the only things that I could really hear and understand. Everything else had a numbing kind of feeling. Even the voice inside my head had an echo.

My Grandma had chosen her Grandchildren to be her pallbearers. This was a huge honor for me to have. I didn’t think I’d play anything but a bystander in her funeral, so naturally I was shocked when I found out my role.

The visitation went over smoothly – As smooth as a visitation could go, anyway. Many people gathered around in remembrance of Marion’s life. People would cry as they saw past pictures of themselves with her. They told stories of their history with her.

Grandma’s coffin was surrounded by flowers that lined the wall. Seeing my entire family in tears as deep as they were, was a sight that I don’t ever want to see again. That much pain shouldn’t have to be brought onto anyone, especially not an entire family.

The next morning at 10:30, there was a church service to commemorate my Grandmother and all of her work within the church. After the service, we set out to the burial site. Riding in the hearse was a very weird thing. A small, confined area, a coffin, and six people took up all the room there was. Few words were spoken; I assume we were all preparing.

We arrived at the cemetery. It was a lightly snowy day; people gathered around the site to watch us position and lower the coffin. Standing next to my cousins, watching the coffin being lowered was an interesting combination of pride and sorrow. This is the last time I will ever be this close to my Grandmother, and I didn’t take it lightly.

The service got over, and my family gathered again at Marion’s house. This time was only slightly more happy then the last. We all reminisced about Grandma, and all agreed that her cooking was ultimate. We continued our work with what to do with all of her belongings. Through this process, we all grew closer as a whole. Each one of us was there for the other as we all slowly healed.

It took around a year, but after one night of completely breaking down under stress and depression, I decided to begin writing. The biggest thing I had to relief myself from was my final words to my Grandma. The only way I saw fit was to write to her. I wrote a letter to her explaining what I did, where I was wrong, and apologized repeatedly. Writing this letter, even though it would never physically reach her, gave me a sense a peace and tranquility. I felt like I could finally let some of the pain dissolve…

Looking back on those days of my life, I realize a lot of things I would do differently. I realize that I can overcome the loss of someone that close to me. Not to say I regret everything I did, because I wouldn’t know what to do differently now, but I do wish I would have been less selfish at the time, as that caused more pitiful feelings in the end.

Inevitably, loss will happen again in my life. Next time, I will make better decisions. The next time I’m in that position, I will see my family member, and I will try to spend as much time with them as possible to eliminate that, “Could have,” feeling. I will choose my words more wisely, to rid the possibility of false hopes for the person in my Grandmother’s position. Most of all, I will express open-heartedly my love for this person. Coping with people who are dying, or people who have recently passed away is something that I believe shouldn’t have long lasting traumatic effects. The best way I see to eliminate that possibility is by spending as much time with them, and openly expressing who they are and what they mean to me. If it weren’t for my past with this experience, I would still probably make the wrong decision and end up repeating the cycle I had with my Grandmother. That isn’t something I ever want to have to go through again.

I really have absolutely no idea why I feel this extreme need to just apologize. I just do.

I feel like I’ve done something horrid, something terrible, and something unforgivable. I don’t know what, though.

A few things have recently come to my attention, however. Firstly: I enjoy the universe working the way I picture it, and I’ve denied third person’s perspectives, because they don’t match my own conclusions. This is absurd of me to do, and for some reason, I continue to do it.

// Self punishment goes here

Secondly: Double standards. I have quite the abundance of these, no lie. The more I hear it, the more I’m believing it. I’d love to throw this term over a cliff, but that’s beyond an impossibility; I’d love to blame it on, “Everyone’s a hypocrite,” but that’s out of context, it wouldn’t work in my situation… So what’s my next best thing? – Obedience. Compliance. Acceptance. I guess I’ll just have to live with the fact I’m still not exactly who I want to be.

// Continue self punishment

Tying this in with numero dos, my Mother said to me that I’m beginning to treat my friends exactly how my past friends treated me. And it sunk. I AM doing that. I didn’t even realize it until it was verbalized to me. That makes me all the more asshole. What can I do about this? Reevaluate my time. Begin putting myself out there more. Become active in all the friendships I wish to retain. That still doesn’t change the fact I’m not doing it automatically, and that still means at heart, I’m a crappy friend.

// More self punishment

The more I think about the person I am, the more I’m starting to dislike it. Who I want to be and who I am are still so far apart, I’ve lost track on how to get there. And now I’m finding myself questioning if I’m a good person or not. Who would consider me decent, and who wouldn’t. Chances are, people I consider friends would say I’m not the greatest person. And I believe them.

– Hopefully this is just a phase, something I’ll outgrow, something that won’t linger, something that doesn’t set me back too far. Maybe one shitty night every once in a while is really just a good reality check on my life.

[Diagnostic Writing]

Lifelong Career

In terms of my career, the biggest difficulty is choosing which career I want. There are many options to choose from. I would like to believe I’m good at many things: Computers, graphic design, writing, or people in general. Even today, I still have trouble deciding what career I’m going to go into. Before I graduate from Southeast Tech, I plan on deciding where, and what I want to do for my lifelong career.

Upon enrolling at STI, I was extremely into building internet websites, building computers, and making my home network efficient for everyone in my home. Being able to work with computers and understanding many of their functions was just a natural-born gift of mine. At a young age, I was gifted the opportunity to have my own computer. Immediately after that, I’ve always had an attraction towards them, and seemed to always have an, “edge,” with them. Overall, using a computer just evolved into a hobby of mine. I decided that if this hobby is so easy for me, I might want to turn it into my career.

Now having taken my first semester into Network Administrator, I’m slowly realizing that this major might not be the correct choice for me. In my Windows Server OS class, we did a lot of core networking processes. Simply through that class, my mind has changed my opinion on my major. Switching my major to Computer Technician would probably better suit me, as that major focuses more on the hardware aspect of a computer, and not the permissions and diagnoses of a network.

Also after finishing my first semester at Southeast Tech, I realized that this might now be my overall choice in a career. Maybe computers are strictly just a hobby I’ll want to do, and I can do something else for lifelong work. It was shortly after that I realized that that my mind is blank when it comes to my career choice. However, I’m going to continue with my study here for two simple reasons: I want to expand on my knowledge and hobbies with computers, and whoever my future employer is, I want them to see that when I set my mind to something, I can follow through with it – Even if my career isn’t in the same field as my study.

By the time I graduate STI, I plan on deciding my field for my career. I want to further my hobbies and see which one would best suit me as a career. All while still attending courses in the computer field; even if this isn’t the direction of my career, I’ll be gaining knowledge in one of my hobbies I’ll be using for the rest of my life.

With just a few short weeks until New Years, I would like to get a head start on my resolutions, as well as discuss all that has happened in the last year.

So first, what did happen this year?

• Alexa’s adoption was finalized
• I permanently separated myself from Alexa’s mother
• Graduated
• Came out about the truth / Rid myself of secrets
• Removed friends that don’t respect me
• Moved out
• Started attending STI
• Roommates and the hell they bring
• An overall relationship overhaul

So… I’ll start in order:

Alexa’s adoption was finalized January 31. This the hardest, most self-sacrificial thing I’ve ever had to do. I can give my money out to anyone, I can spare my extra time to help someone, I can help people with almost anything. But… to adopt away someone that comes from my blood is extremely hard. The car ride to the court house, we had Alexa with us. After the court, we dropped Alexa off, visited for a while, and left… It was an eerie feeling returning home without my daughter. Even more so going days without seeing or hearing her. Adjusting to this change in my life was difficult, but I did it through making my schedule busy in other ways. I kept my mind off of what wasn’t at home waiting for me.

While I’m on the subject, I believe it would be a good idea to explain how I finally made the decision to commit to the adoption. It’s bitter to say and hear, but the decision was easy for me to make; but hard for me to follow through. As with all my other hard decisions, I broke it down into smaller, easier to understand parts.

• Our families had irreconcilable differences
• Alexa was bring tossed between two homes, with families that raised her completely opposite ways
• I couldn’t be around Alexa’s mother for more than fifteen minutes without a fight breaking out
• When the two of us would fight, it would get nasty – Alexa doesn’t need to see or hear the things we said
• Neither Alexa’s mother or I could provide the stability we wished for her.

With all of those reason combined, harboring Alexa for our own selfish wants seemed morally irresponsible. Why should Alexa have to suffer because her parents are too thick headed to see what’s best for her. Thus, the decision was made for me. I just needed a lot of support to follow through with it. Eventually, I got there.

Moving on:

The separation of Alexa’s mother and I. This seems easy when I say it like that. In reality, it was hard. We had dated for nearly two years before breaking up, and even after that, we still had to be around each other for our daughter. Nearly three years, I finally just shut her out. She couldn’t contact me via phone, internet, or in person. I told my parents that they would have to relay anything she or I wanted to say to each other. I hated putting that stress on my parents, but it was the only true way I was going to make this separation work. Finally, after months of refusing to talk to her, and proving to her that I WASN’T going to be there for her at all, she finally got the hint and quit talking.

Graduation: 

I totally didn’t think I would. A few months short of graduating, I was failing a class, quite miserably. And in the end, it did all come down to getting my ass in gear in that class. I spent somewhere around six hours outside of class time to work on my projects that were bringing my grade down.

Graduation in a tough thing in general. School work aside, it’s a huge process getting everything ready: the clothes, the parties, the ceremony, and etcetera. It’s a lot of work. I hate getting an extraordinary amount of attention, so this was a huge eye-opening activity for me. ~70 people showing up at my house to give me congratulations and money… That doesn’t happen very often.

Ridding myself of secrets:

I wish I could go into detail on this subject a lot more, but in order to do that, I would have to embarrass people close to me; I don’t want to do that. So I will only discuss what I can here.

In June, I had a very close friendship and relationship with someone who had all the keys to all my locks. Through many late nights and close connections, she had finally released the pendulum that was waiting high above me for years. Through a small question, she had broke down a decade of self-made reinforcement of all the secrets that I’d kept. I trusted her enough to do this. And I definitely don’t regret what she has done for me. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it time and time again: This person has made me a better, more trustworthy, more trusting person overall. I’ll never be able to express the gratitude for that, either.

Removed friends that don’t respect me:

During this year, I had what I thought was my best friend. I thought this person would be someone I could confide everything in, and they wouldn’t tell a soul. I also didn’t think they would ever go behind my back for their own selfish needs. But life has an awesome way of revealing people to you.

Basically, since kindergarten, I had a friend that was just plain awesome. We literally grew up with each other, and have the same mind set on a lot of different subjects (or… used to…). This person was there from beginning to end with Alexa and her mother. However, just shortly I had broke up with Alexa’s mother, he found it in his values that it was okay to attempt to get with my ex.
Now, maybe I’m just fucked up in the head, and this IS righteous action. You tell me. I dated this woman for nearly two years, and I HAD A BABY with her. As soon as we break up, he finds it acceptable to ask to spend the night with her, while he’s drunk, nonetheless. I don’t find that very concerning of the friendship he held with me.

Another, similar, experience (however not from this year), is when another one of my ex friends decided that he would start texting the same girl after I broke up with her. Only, instead of texting, he would send pictures of his penis to her… Very shortly after hearing (and sadly seeing) about that, I cut him off from ever being my friend again. It also doesn’t help that he told my ex, “If you ever tell Nick about anything between us I’ll cut your baby.” Or something along those lines. That shit doesn’t fly well with me.

Moved out:

I understand that this isn’t essentially a huge thing to go through, as most of us DO go through with it. But not only was this my first time moving out, it was my first time MOVING in my life. And I didn’t move just a few miles away. I moved sixty-eight miles east, into a large city. I did a complete revamp of my way of life. Without a doubt, this is a lot of stress. The first few weeks of being out of my parents house was the hardest. I didn’t have anyone to talk to, or any friends to go see. I mostly sat around my apartment trying to figure out small things I could to make my time there more efficient.

Along with moving out, I started attending STI, the school I’m currently enrolled at. This was only a quick four months after graduating, and I was a college student. New school, new student body, new kind of homework, new teachers, new EVERYTHING. We need not even mention the fact that it was only after moving into a new city.

School has / is actually going quite well. I enjoy the classes, and the work load isn’t as much as I expected it to be. The only real, big problem I had with this whole new lifestyle is roommates.

Put bluntly: My roommates are absolute shit. For the first few weeks, all three of them had been loud, annoying, and inconsiderate assholes. I basically barricaded myself into my room in attempts to not have to deal with all of their crap. The more I’d resist, the more they’d fight back trying to get reactions out of me. Worse yet, there was my roommates friend, who was there nearly as much as the rest of them. This pathetic pile of douche found it easy to steal my food, and leave half of it out to rot.

Basically, after so much of this, I did blow up at them. I yelled at them and basically made my maturity level plummet. I decided shortly after, a new tactic around them would be better. Instead of fighting them. I will simply have no reaction for the things they would do. When I walk pass them, I’d simply smile and go on with my day. NOTE: This pisses people off. Which was half the reason I did it.

Now, with the semester coming to an end, I’ve already got plans to move out, into a new apartment, with people I actually know, who will better respect me and all of my belongings. Thank. God.

The Relationships of 2011:

In the start of 2011, I was heart broken by a girl that I had chased around for about a year. The reason for her breaking up with me the last time was because of my ex that I had Alexa with. Wonderful. I remember a note she gave me that stated she, “Was not going to date anyone,” until after the new year because she needed time for herself. Turns out, that was a lie. She started dating someone else before then, leaving me in the dark, as usual. Hah… life.

Anyway, I took this time to expand my relationships with other people. I started dating someone I was already good friends with. Sadly, the reason I was dating her was because I had made comparisons between her and my ex. I’ve expressed in my blog that this is a BAD thing to do. This relationship taught me that no two people will be alike, and cannot be viewed in comparison with the past. Because I did the wrong thing, this relationship did not last. We remained friends after this relationship, however.

After that, I started to connect well with a girl. And when I say well, I mean extremely well. This is the girl who got me to come out with the truth about everything. As I previously explained, we were close. Sadly, I got selfish when that girl I’d be chasing for the past year came back to me… I chose to try again with her. And it worked for a while. We dated for the longest consistent time we ever have. Almost three months (big woop, I know).

Anyway, we dated from July to October, when on homecoming night, I decided to sit by two of my female friends (don’t get them confused with girlfriends…), and after that, things just went downhill. It didn’t matter what I said, or how many times I apologized for sitting by them. We were doomed to end. And end it did.

After that relationship was done, I quickly rushed myself into another partial relationship. I pretty much used someone to get over my ex. And I feel bad for that. During the time of being with this woman, I decided that finally, I am done chasing that other girl around. I decided that being dragged around for the last year means that it will never work. I quickly gained composure, and finalized my feelings for that girl.

Also during this time, I posed on my blog about persons: A, B, C, and D. Shortly after posting that, person D did end up texting me, and we’ve been talking every day since. Furthermore, we reconnected, and even reinforced our relationship. We are now better than ever. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

——————-

Now that I’ve got the biggest parts of the past year down, I would like to talk about the next year of my life…

These are just a few things that I would like to achieve:

• A better relationship between my parents and I
• Have a full, committed relationship with someone
• Find life-long friends in college
• Write more
• Learn to be more compassionate for others
• Continue strengthening my relationship with my daughter and her parents
• Write something that will leave people smiling
• Be a role model for those around me
• Commit. Follow through with everything I say
• Finally: Have a better year than the previous

Again, these are just a few of my resolutions for the next year. And as much as I hope they will all be accomplished, I cannot guarantee that they all will.’My reasoning for choosing all of these resolutions is because they will overall make me a better person. What I really want in life is to be the best person I can be. For myself, for my family, for my friends, and even for strangers…

And with all this behind me, I’d like to dedicate this post to a song: A Day to Remember – Here’s to the Past.

Here’s to the past

Let’s all think back on what brought us here
This is my grasp on what is real
Don’t tell me how I feel
With all that’s passed I can’t relate
With myself from day to day
why does everything seem so far away
to me

There’s no turning back from here
I’ve got to get away from everyone who’s left
Everyone who’s left
I’ll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year
(Past year, past year…)
I’ll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year
(Past year, past year…)
They said we’d walk away
You’ll never make it if you can’t speak for yourself
they said we’d fade away

We’ve all been down this path before
You’re trapped in this town
And it wears you down
When we leave today then maybe you’ll understand
This constant struggle isn’t always in the palm of my hand

There’s no turning back from here
I’ve got to get away from everyone who’s left
Everyone who’s left
I’ll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year
(Past year, past year…)
I’ll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year
(Past year, past year…)
They said we’d walk away
You’ll never make it if you can’t speak for yourself
they said we’d fade away

This man will stand the test of time
This man will stand the test of time
This man will stand the test of time
This man will stand the test of time

I’ll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year
(Past year, past year…)
I’ll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year
(Past year, past year…)
They said we’d walk away
You’ll never make it if you can’t speak for yourself
they said we’d fade away

Four years ago at this time, my family and I had just gone through what could have been the most traumatic thing we’ve been through: the death of my grandmother. I remember how I felt after that time – vividly.

Everything was empty, cold, quiet. When I heard noise, it was always hollow sounding. I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept of death, and because this was the first time someone extremely close to me had passed away, I felt as if a part of me had died too. For weeks, I simply thought about the last two weeks of her life. I was miserable.  I couldn’t focus on anything – essentially, I was thrown into depression because of this. Nothing was comforting me: Family, friends, anything; nothing would help. I clinged to my music for sanity and answers. These are the lyrics to the song that ran repeatedly through those very lingering weeks…

Demon Hunter – “Carry Me Down”

And if you see me losing ground
Don’t be afraid to lie
I know the pain inside my heart can’t break the fear inside of yours
And if you see me losing faith
In what it means to die
Don’t let me leave before I know what lies behind the stained glass doors

Save sorrow for the souls in doubt
Bleed every care out

Will you carry me down the aisle that final day
With your tears and cold hands shaking from the weight
When you lower me down beneath that sky of gray
Let the rain fall down and wash away your pain

For every word we never spoke
We have a tear to cry
For every silence like a wall between a better you and I
So if you see me losing sight
Of all the death in life
You’ll find the peace in every time I failed to see the death in mine

Let all the fear inside you drown
Tear out the blade and lay it down
Save sorrow for the souls in doubt
Bleed every care out

Will you carry me down the aisle that final day
With your tears and cold hands shaking from the weight
When you lower me down beneath that sky of gray
Let the rain fall down and wash away your pain

Oh, the blood is rushing out
Oh, I’m better off without
Oh, the walls are closing in
Oh, sing for me again

Will you carry me down the aisle that final day
With your tears and cold hands shaking from the weight
When you lower me down beneath that sky of gray
Let the rain fall down and wash away your pain
(Rain down, oh rain down, no care for the flood)

This blog has been a self-help tool for me more than anything. When I’m in a situation such as this, It helps a lot to be able to type everything out, and read it. It helps me reanalyze everything, and figure out what is best for my situation. That’s what I’m gonna do here, now.

To make this anonymous, I’m going to define people as letters. A, B, C, and D.

A:

Our relationship as been the most stable one I’ve had over the last many months. You go through problems that I am able to  help you with. And you have helped me when I’m in mine. I truly value our friendship. I need you to know that. No matter what I do, I want to remain friends with you – TALKING – friends. I hope you can trust me with your deepest thoughts, as I have trusted you with mine. I hope you don’t hold back on telling me things just because, “They’ll hurt too much.” You’ve always told me everything I need to hear, even if I didn’t want that. And that is the greatest gift I could receive from anyone. The truth is something that we don’t come by very often, so me having you is important to me. I can’t speak for you, but I hope you feel the same.

Again, I want to stress how much I really do want to remain friends through anything. Don’t let my actions, or other people, get in the way of our friendship. Isn’t it above that?

B:

If I could sum you up in one word, I think it would have to be deceitful. What you’ve done to me has hurt me a lot. You don’t even know the magnitude of what you did; it’s not like you’d change even IF you knew. The colossal ego you carry with you is blinding. You get your way through dodging any serious conflict, and avoid answering questions when they’re of the up-most priority. It’s manipulation; worse yet, it’s extremely hard to realize it’s manipulation. I went months without realizing that none of my questions were really being answered with honesty, and from your opinion. I’d always given you mine, and had to pry out yours. And every time I’d pry, we’d fight. That’s how it was – that is not my fault.

Still, I can’t bring myself not to have feelings for you. As much as I wish I could say we’re over, and I don’t ever want to return to you… I do. My counselor told me one thing that applies to you all too well:

Someone can only promise what they’ve shown in the past. If someone has caused you more pain, that is all they have to offer. No one can make a promise to change who they are.

I look back on all of the times we’ve had together, and what I notice is that there was not a time where everything was great between you and I. There was always another person waiting around for you. And in all honesty, I’m positive it was in your mind that if we didn’t work out, you had a back up. You played dumb when I asked about these people, as if you were completely clueless to the fact that they liked you. And I never truly bought that. I could see it from miles away – I just pretended that it wasn’t there. It may have been naive on my part, but it was wrong on yours.

C:

You were, “Late to the run,” so to say. You certainly aren’t out of the, “race,” however. I like you. I like you a lot.You offer a sense of security. No matter what, you’ll be there for me. When I’m at my worst, and when I’m in my best, you have proved that you will be present. I’m not sure how I can express how much that alone means to me. If the last nineteen years has taught me anything, it’s that people come and people go. If you can commit to what you’ve said and proved thus far, it is my debt to be there for you.

Still, I can’t help but notice a darkness that seems to be present between us. Maybe it’s just my mind conjuring up similarities of you from my past. In any sense, it is something that I fear, and need to think about with extreme caution.

D:

I haven’t put much thought into you, honestly. I was high in the clouds, with my back facing away from you. I chose to put my focus into other things and other people. So firstly, I want to say I’m sorry. What I did to you -was- rude and unlike me. I was delusional, and smoke-screened. Way back when, I really thought some people had changed their ways. And because of that, I chose to distance myself from you. You made this other person feel minuscule, and because I was still conversing with you, it was hard to keep that other person happy – which is truly what I wanted at the time. I realize now that, again, I was delusional. I’m an idiot for doing what I did to you. And I deserved every bit of harsh wording you used against me. I accept it knowingly.

I think our friendship and relationship were probably the most healthy I was ever in. Really. Maybe not in a physical health perspective, but we understood each other to an extent unlike anyone else I’ve ever managed to get close to. The conversations we had are cherished like gold to me, even today. You don’t know it, but you’ve actually had a huge impact on my life over the last four months. You were the beginning of a new me: one that doesn’t hold secrets, and is a better person overall.

For some odd reason, I’ve had a few dreams you happened to be in. Before they occurred, you weren’t in my daily conscious thought. Some people may not believe that dreams have any sort of real meaning to the “awake,” life. I’m not one of them. Dreams exist for a purpose, we just have to decrypt the meanings, which in most cases is extremely hard.

What I really want to get out is: I want to talk again. I’m just completely unsure how to approach this situation. :/

—————————

Now that I have people settled, I would like to switch to a topic not very far from the former: What do I want in people?
I’m going to also divide these people into groups: Acquaintances, Friends, and Lovers.

Acquaintances:

People I know, but don’t have any real contact with… I can’t ask for much from you, except for the same respect I give you. Just because I don’t live my life the same as you, doesn’t mean that I’m a worse or better person. I shouldn’t have to feel intimidated by you, I shouldn’t have to dodge my way around these people in order to be happier. If you don’t really know me, then don’t treat me like you do. I don’t do that to you.

Friends:

Friends, I expect you to be there for me, and I’ll be there for you. I’m sorry if I may not text you first, or ask you to do anything. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk or do anything. I choose to give my attention to those who take their time to approach me. Maybe it’s wrong of me, and if it is, tell me, I can change that.

I’d also like to believe that you wont start rumors about me, or talk about me behind my back. I’ve done my best to avoid saying negative things about everyone, especially my friends. When I’ve given you my back to stab, I’d hope you don’t take that chance. I wouldn’t do that to you.

Lovers:

I honestly don’t even want a relationship that has the expectations of a marriage and a family. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t a possibility though. What I want from my relationships is a best friend. Someone who knows me, who doesn’t hold secrets, who won’t put a knife in my back, and who I can approach with any conversation and not have to feel like I’ve done something wrong. I expect an acquaintance, and a friend, from my lover.

Through my year of counseling, and my past experiences, I’ve concluded that the physical part of a relationship is a completely different ball-park than the actual relation itself. To be able to connect with someone physically, it needs to be established that I could connect with them personally, and with that, they need to have the same connection to me.

The problem is that most people, my age, or even in this day in age, are just impatient. No one wants to take time to see what right for them, and their partner. They just want to make a fairy-tale come true. Maybe once in a great while, a miracle will happen, and this technique will work; most of the time, this doesn’t work.

–

I can’t really put a closing statement on this post. It’s far from complete. I’ve just ran out of words to elaborate on this any further. Maybe sometime I can go back over this, and add more. Otherwise, it is what it is, and maybe it’ll help me through the next few weeks.

I’m just going to a quick thought out here…

I have a unique way of dealing with stress. I’m a critical thinker. This is a developed skill, provided to me by my parents. I was always told to, “look at the whole situation.”
Doing this, I can evaluate who’s to blame, and place it accordingly.  With most situations surrounding me, I don’t have much blame for what’s happening. But no matter how little blame I have, I will always take things out on myself. I do this simply because I don’t want to worsen the situation by taking it out on others, even if they hold most of the blame.

Don’t tell me that’s unhealthy, I’m capable of figuring that out by myself. I don’t need your reminders.

If tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you care for me, and how much I care for you,
and each time that you think of me I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready in heaven far above,
and that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I’d always thought I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do.
it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for a while,
I’d say goodbye and hug you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realised that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I’d miss come tomorrow.
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven’s gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, “This is eternity and all I’ve promised you,
Today your life on earth is past but here it’s starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last.
and since each day’s the same, there’s no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful, so trusting, so true.
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do.
And you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?”

So if tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart,
for every time you think of me, please know I’m in your heart.

Author “David M Romano”

Experience and Education

A few pages of text couldn’t fully describe who I am, as well as anyone else. There is so much involved in one person that even the most boring would be impossible to sum up in words alone. However, I will make my best attempt to describe myself, and why I’m here at STI for my education.

My name in Nicholas Eliason, I’m nineteen years experienced in life. Over the last two decades, I’ve been through many ups and downs, and gained a lot of wisdom while going through those ups and downs. These experiences are what make me unique from most others around me. They are also what I’m most proud of about me.

People usually judge a book by its cover, and by book, I mean people; and by cover, I mean how they look. So when people initially see me, they typically see only the negative things about my character – How my hair looks, how I dress, or my slacking posture. Honestly, this isn’t how I am at all. Talking to a lot of my friends, or people I’ve recently started conversing with, they always say they had the wrong opinion of me. I seem to come off as a “druggie,” to most people. I must be following some stereotype with that group fairly well, except for the drugs part.

As mentioned earlier, I am most proud of my prior experiences in life. My biggest experience being: the birth of my daughter in 2009. I have no problem admitting that I slipped up hugely by having made the wrong decisions in order to create a child. I was a child myself at the time. I made poor decisions. In spite of those decisions, though, I (almost literally) launched myself into adulthood, faster than most of my peers. Having a child at such a young age was one of my biggest mistakes, but also the best thing that’s ever happened to me. That child forced maturity into me like nothing else ever could. Alexa, my daughter, was born when I was just under seventeen years old. At that age, I wasn’t ready to take care of a child; I was still acting like a teenager myself. However, I did take responsibility, and took care of her for the next year and a half.

While attending high school, and having a daughter to take care of, I was given the chance to attend a “second chance,” high school. This was done through a selective process done by the school administration, based on students’ academic abilities, and life situation. Obviously, I had a situation, and my grades were lacking quite a bit. This second chance school was the only reason I graduated at all. The school is small, only taking in about 30-60 students at a time. They had five staff members, so the student to teacher ratio was higher than in normal high schools. This allows for a more personal connection between teachers and their students. That means that the courses were also personalized, and the classes were overall easier. If I hadn’t been given the chance to attend that school, I would have dropped out and gone straight into the workforce in order to provide for Alexa.

Just short of graduating, I was approached by my ex with the idea of adoption. This is another one of my experiences that I’m most proud of. When this option approached me, I didn’t say no. I looked into it, and researched through a lot of material in order to better make up my mind. In the end, both my ex and I agreed: We would put Alexa up for adoption.

After making that decision, it wasn’t long before the adoption agency had a list of families. We met up, and got to view a portfolio of each family. We were given three books that had been made, and put together for many people to look at. With those, we were also given two sheets of paper and some pictures from a family that was looking into international adoption in Haiti, to help aide from the earthquake. The agency had contacted this family and told them a little bit about my ex and I. In response, the family had actually wrote a letter to us, and sent us those pictures. Reading the letter, and seeing the pictures, both my ex and I knew this was the family we liked most. Additionally, we each showed our parents the letter and photos. Everyone agreed.

Adoption – especially after a year and a half of taking care of your own child – is like death. We lost our child. But we gave her something greater than we could provide: stability. In every aspect of her life, we gave her stability. The adoption is also an open one, so we can still visit Alexa if we make arrangements. And when Alexa reaches that age where she may want to meet her biological parents, she is absolutely free too.

Going back to how people view me. They don’t see this in me. They don’t know what I’ve been through, and they don’t know how I am now. The reason I don’t let people know I have a daughter, and that I’ve done some pretty stupid things, is because I want people to know how I am now. If they knew I had a daughter, I would be assumed upon, and come off as some “sex addicted drug user,” which is pretty much polar-opposite to how I am… This is the basis for how I view others. I don’t know what tragedies they’ve witnessed or endured, and I don’t know them how they are today. I do my best to not make assumptions and keep an open mind for everyone.

Also while attending Second Chance High; they were pretty intent on having their students attend a college or tech school. They forced every student to visit Mitchell Technical Institute as an “eye opener,” for post-high education. I knew I didn’t want to attend there because I hated that town. I’d been hearing a lot about STI, and it sounded like that had a pretty decent reputation for computer courses. I set up an appointment to visit STI, and instantly felt at home. The staff was nice, and the students seemed to be mature. So I applied, and shortly thereafter, was accepted.

I’ve always had some strange obsession with computers. They have always been in my life for as long as I remember. They were in schools, and in my home. My grandpa even built computers as a hobby. One day, after my dad decided to buy a new computer, he gave his old one to my brother and I. My brother and I loaded countless games onto that computer, and it quickly became our life. It stuck to me, more than my brother though.

Always having a computer in the house was cool, but computers never really became huge with me until 7^th grade. Our school was one of the first to try the laptop program in South Dakota. When we were handed a laptop that we could take home, and use as if it was our own… I probably took too much advantage to that. I would play around with the computer and figure out how to bypass the school’s systems, and log in as in administrator. After that I could install any software I wanted, and basically do anything I felt like.

Being given that laptop every year for school is what allowed me to discover my passion for computers. After learning so much through that program, I decided to start doing more with my computers at home. I started learning how to network our house, and set a computer up exactly how I wanted it. After getting a job, and having some income, I figured it’d be fun to build a computer, so I bought all the components and had one of my friends help me. It solidified my relationship with computers. I knew that’s what I wanted to go to school for.

This is only skimming the edges on who I am, and why I’m here, but as I had said: it’s impossible to write out. I can’t summarize everything about me into a block of text, it’s just not possible.