A Blog About Life… Isn't That Unusual?

Everyone lately seems… occupied. Perhaps I’m just being anxious? I don’t know.

I just feel like people are only talking or doing anything with me to fill in gaps. I’m seeing straight through the masks they’re putting up, and only hurting myself in the end. I can’t bring this up with anyone, because I’d rather not be wrong and offend them. Yet, most of the time, I am right…

We’ll put this into perspective:

Person A, B, and C – being everyone else, and not one particular person.

Person A:

I like this person a lot. And over the last four days, I’ve managed to ruin anything you and I may have ever had. Upon approaching you about whether we’d ever be able to continue, you played dumb, made up excuses, and ignored my question for TWO DAYS. In the end, my final answer was: “I just don’t know.” – This speaks a hell of a lot louder than the words it has… Basically, you are letting me chase you around, while you are going to turn your back on me. I’m supposed to “not be disappointed,” by this. This is true pain.

Person B:

You’ve been there for me through the loss of person A and whatnot. I do appreciate the friendship we have, and wouldn’t want to change it… sadly, it is changing. You helped me regain a friend I lost many months ago… Sadly, he likes you, and I don’t see you being as stable as you once were. I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to be comfortable talking to you, when you lie to my face, and are probably doing the same shit with my new-old friend…

Person C:

You’ve always been preoccupied with something else. Everyone is narcissistic. What you tell me, is rarely how it really is. I do my best at representing myself, as me, no matter what the situation may be. You do exactly the opposite, however. You be whoever will be most liked with the given situation. Which means when you are in a different place, you’re an entirely different being. It’s hard to like anyone who changes as often at you.

—-

I just wish I could be #1 to someone, something, sometime, again. I miss not being life and everything’s back burner. Life sucks, that’s all. :|

About three weeks ago, I went back home and asked a former teacher to write out a short list of things I could write about… A few suggestions caught my eye; this is one of them: What things in life sustain you emotionally?

To put it shortly: Myself. I am the only one I can look to for emotional support.

In a longer sense: Myself. Isn’t that all we have? That saying, “You are the one who chooses your mood,” is saying that you need to have independence in every situation. You can’t look to friends, family, or conditions to be happy, and enjoy life. You only have yourself. When you put your whole emotional system into someone, or something else’s hands, you are improving your odds of being let down constantly by… well, a LOT. Finding that out, and figuring out a self-reliance system is essential to surviving at a happier baseline.

Maybe it’s the way I grew up, or what all has happened to be growing up. In every situation, it seems as though the only thing that was going for me was me. Admittedly, friends and family were there to offer some more support, but they could also be an opposing force if they chose to be. In many cases, they did, and still are.

Somewhere along the line, I created my support system. And although I don’t know how I made it, or what it consists of, I believe it works well. When I’m upset, it doesn’t take long to regain composure. I push emotions back, while still acknowledging they exist, and work on them internally. During that time, I try to do as many things that make me as happy as possible. I play video games, watch TV, eat, etc. Again, I’m doing these tasks happily, but I am also thinking about why I’m upset. I’m always processing everything around me. I always am looking for answers to everything. This includes my problems.

To keep my problems from cluttering, manifesting, and spreading to others around me, it is very important to isolate the situation. When I’m mad about something, I be sure that my reasons are justifiable, and that I am only upset about that thing. When I am upset with someone, I make sure I have the right person to be upset with; I make sure I didn’t do anything to onset this, and I make sure that I don’t be upset with anyone else BUT the one I’m upset with. It is top priority to not take my frustrations out on those who don’t deserve it. Granted, my mood will be different, and they will more thank likely think it’s them, but I’m quick to tell them what I’m upset about, and explain that it’s not them. Most people are understanding of this.

So when it comes down to being sustained emotionally, it’s all about self-control. Having power of your thoughts, actions, and reactions is key to keeping a constant happy. And while over the years, I’ve failed at this, I fully believe that I now have the power to be happy at a consistent rate. I control my own emotions at whatever time, and even when it’s all bearing down on me, I keep them in check, and be sure to handle them respectfully, and not lose functionality in day-to-day tasks.

Another thing that people ask me is, “How long should I wait after a relationship before I get into another?”

Variables play a HUGE roll in this, guys. This question simply cannot be answered with a “formula.” (You know, that formula… x = past relationship duration / 2 or whatever the fuck…) The best way to answer this question in by meeting criteria. And for that criteria, I have this:

• Quit being butt-hurt¹
• Quit longing for the past relationship and understand that no other one will ever be like the past again.
• Be able to be with someone, and not think about the other – RESTRAIN FROM COMPARING.²
• Be realistic³

¹- You know, whether you did the breaking up, or they did. If that relationship meant a damn thing, it hurts it’s over. There is a “calming,” period that should be mandatory for everyone. This is the time where you may want to just cry, be alone, or be with others if that’s your thing… During this time you are free to have irrational thoughts, but be sure to not act on them. That’s typically unhealthy.

²- When you’re with whoever you might consider dating, you need to realize that they are an individual. Comparing this person to the past is unfair, in both good and bad ways. That thought, “Oh, well my LAST girl never did this…” or, “Well shit, I never had this fight with ____” Is unnecessary. As well as comparing any two people.

The only exception to this rule is sex. Chances are, the first person you ever had it with will pop into your head. As frowned upon that is, it’s normal. So are any other past partners. Basically, try to keep this to a minimum, and DONT SAY THE WRONG NAME. (Haha, see? I can be funny too.)

³- I just want to amend on to this. Don’t trick yourself. Don’t fake emotions. Don’t say, “I’m over that,” if you’re really not. That’ll only confuse the hell out of the other person, and possibly yourself. Those people who’re always in and out of relationships are the ones who can’t seem to abide by this rule.

The other half of this IS time-based. I don’t care how short or long your past relationship was, or how fast you can get over things; take some damn time off. You can tie this is with the first rule: that “calming,” time is a gateway to a successful relationship in the future.

I just had to get these thoughts out. I figure maybe if I write about it I’ll actually remember this when people ask me. If anyone has any other criteria, please comment. I’ll sort out the good and bad ones, and probably update this post.

Lately, a lot of people have been asking me, “If I could take anything in life back, what would if be? and why?”

Typically, when asked this, I used to just give some BS answer about one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. But this time I actually thought about it, and this is my new response:

I wouldn’t take anything back – nothing. What ever mistakes I’ve made, people I’ve hurt, tragedies I’ve witnessed, and whatever else negative happened… has ultimately made me me. After some strong consideration, I’ve concluded that it sucks being me, but I like who I am in total, and I’d rather not be anyone else.  So in order to successfully answer the question (being, there HAS to be SOMETHING to take back), I’d have to regret something positive; which is completely screwed up to do. Erase good memories? Who’d do that – I wont.

The final option: Take back something neutral or insignificant. I could regret running outside with no shoes on once, but that’s not, “good enough,” for people. I could regret not going to eat with my family, and missing some conversation or something. That’s also not very cool though. Hell, I could even regret not faking sick more often; but school was probably more important.

My point is: Regret is, to me, becoming more and more pointless. I understand pain, both emotionally and physically, and I’ve experienced both extensively. When it comes down to it though, that pain, that anger, that fear; all those experiences are what has molded ME. My imperfect past has only influenced me in a positive manner, and it’d be foolish of me to regret being a better person, right? Therefore, I’ll take nothing back, and continue my existence being more capable than I’d ever be if I had taken any other option.

Over the last month and a half. I’ve discovered a lot about me I’ve never previously known, or even thought about. Perhaps the most interesting is what little fears I have. While reading, please keep in mind that I am a “Logical,” thinker…

My Four Phobias & Why:

1. Overly Religious People; Self-Righteous People.
   — These particular people frighten me because they are the ones who preach verses from the bible, and cannot stop praising, or talking about God; yet, they act exactly as the rest of us. They are the same rapists, murderers, thieves, and criminals… If you’re going to put yourself on top of such a sturdy pedestal, please behave as if you deserve it.
2.  Sociopaths.
   — Besides the blatantly obvious reasons for being scared of these people, I only fear the torture they can unknowingly throw upon another. Sociopaths are the only kind of people who you can fall in love with, bring a family up with, and live your whole entire life with; and they’d have no emotions after killing you. On top of that, there’s no way to know these people are sociopaths until they’ve hurt you in some form.
3. Heights.
   — “Yeah. Everyone’s scared of heights.” <– First of all, not true. Some people love heights. I’m not scared of falling, or the sight of something from the top of a mountain; I’m not scared of planes or cliffs. What I fear is the fact that a height that is unstable could lead you unknowingly into your death. Heights are one true way to accidentally kill yourself. Suicide is a choice, heights are the borderline of  choosing to die or not.
4. That Damned Sound People Make When They Drop a Fragile Item; Fast Inhalation.
   —  Awkward thing to fear, I know. And don’t make fun of me for being phobic of it, there is a reason. When I was about ten, my family would take small motorcycle rides. One day on our way back from Brookings, my father had a car pull out in front of him and my brother. Through the helmet, the 75mph wind, and the straight pipes of my moms motorcycle, this was the only sound I heard my mother make… I can still remember the sound clearly. My first thought that ran through my head was, “I have no father. I have no brother.” This is not a happy thought to have run through a mind as immature as mine was. And even though my family was fine, and only had minor scrapes, that sound was permanently instilled into my mind as a, “Worst possible scenario,” sound. My hair will stand straight, a shiver runs down my spine, and my palms begin to sweat every time I hear this sound.

For as long as I can possibly remember, I’ve always, “That one guy.” I mean this, for everyone – I am that “One guy.”

Please, ladies, explain this to me: How the FUCK can I possibly be the, “One guy,” if there is ALWAYS going to be people who are better than me; if there is ALWAYS going to be another guy; if there is ALWAYS going to impermissible circumstances for an actual relationship to take place. Tell me: What. The. Fuck?

Seriously, no matter what I do, even if I try my hardest, I will never reach the top. Never. After so many attempts, and after so many failures… I can’t handle this. I’m bleeding will to even bother with friends, family, work… life. Everyone will always just bury me under other higher priorities, right?

—

I suppose what I want to establish here is a formal, “Fuck you,” to life. I’ve tried, and tried; and even when I thought I was at the height of my happiness, I still manage to be overlooked by someone. I’m just not perfect, and thereby, do not fill the necessary requirements to keep current status in other’s lives. I’m unappreciated. I’m insatiable. I’m. Just. Not. Enough.

—

Another thing I would like to say is: I somehow find myself working under the radar. I constantly try to help people, I constantly try to remain a decent human being.  I do this in a manner that also goes unnoticed. I’ve helped people conquer drugs, family issues, relationships, self-imagery, death, and so many other problems. I don’t care that I’m not being recognized as anyone important for this things, I just want to be told that what  I did helped them. I don’t need them to spread the word about me, I just want to be told that I played a factor in how they’ve changed they’re life…

The really depressing part about all this? The people I help, the people I’d willingly, openly, die and sacrifice for… they are the ones who:

1. Hurt me. I make people too good for me. <– Quite a pathetic occurrence, considering I’m a major roll in why you are what you are today.
2. Get precisely what I want. <– God, I can help people get what they want, and I can help them get what I want; but I can’t do it for myself. That’s also pathetic in itself.
3. Disappear. <– Poof. They’re gone. I’ve helped them – they used me. That’s all they wanted. Now they can move on… whatever.

—

Being (metaphorically) repeatedly stepped, stomped, and ran over has it’s tolls. My head swells, my body aches, my ego fractured, my life permanently scarred. Handicapped from what I once was, and will never return to normal. I hate this, and yet it’s the only thing keeping me alive.

I’ve lost meaning, and with that, I’ve lost hope. I’ll sit back, watch the waves fall and topple over me… If someone cares enough, maybe I’ll drift to shore and be saved. Until then, I’m letting go.

You’re all I’ve known, all I adore
You take all my scars and break my heart

And I can never look back there again
This is the last time you try to justify
For all the reasons you’d sell me out

You’re all my heart, my flesh and blood
Night’s so lonely without you around me

And I can never look back there again
This is the last time you try to justify
For all the reasons you’d sell me out

I will be your garden plant, your bones
I will be your sovereign kingdom…

This is the last time you try to justify
For all the reasons you’d sell me out
This is the last time you try to ease my mind
For all the reasons you’d sell me out

http://www.myspace.com/bloodsimple

I don’t know who to dedicate all this to. Too fucking many of you…

Dear whom will not be named,
I can see you. I am a close friend of yours. I am trying to help you through many of your life problems. Recently, you’ve realized that I am right about a lot of those problems… I feel the need to tell you this:

You’re walking into a trap.

You don’t know it, and even if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. I know the people around you better than you do, and I can predict the future that lies ahead of you. You ARE going to regret your actions tonight. You will be ashamed of yourself, and I will end up being the person who’s there for you in the end. I will be the one to tell you that you couldn’t see what was going to happen.

This man, also to be nameless, is only using you. It is just convenient for him to use you right now. It won’t be long before he begins ignoring you again. I mean, the only reason you’re with him currently is because I am the connection between you two.

— Wait. Does this make me an enabler? No. You wanted him to come with, I just tried giving you what you want. My morals are correct.

Moving on… Im not jealous, no, I’m not jealous at all. I just don’t want to see you hurt. Again. By the same person. Again. I don’t enjoy being the person to heal your broken heart, I also don’t enjoy having to give you the bad news and bad aspects of my friend(s).

Wrapping this up… Please, save yourself, and move on. This man has hurt you repeatedly, and you should understand that this vicious circle is only vicious because you allow it to revolve. Now it is time to stop it.

Sincerely,
A deeply concerned friend.

Forgive me for any bad language I may use. Both in spelling and word choice. I am currently under certain influences that make me… different.

Today, I woke up, half late for my plans, as usual. I still managed to get up, take a shower, and get to my appointments today. Congratulations Nicholas. No one even knew what you went through this morning, so celebrate it alone.

I sat at home for hours, waiting for school to get out. My mind told me to hope that someone will call me, wanting to hang out or do something with my life (and daytime) today. 3:15 rears it’s ugly head around. To my surprise, my phone actually went off. My head dances around in circles, celebrating the fact that SOMEONE wanted SOMETHING to do with me…

Turns out, they just needed help connecting to the internet. Great. My false hopes, just confirmed true.

I begin my laundry. It’s been piling up for two weeks. I’m beginning to wear my old clothes. I figure this needed to be done…

Whoa, my phone rings again. This still happens to get me by surprise. I looked at the name. It was the girl I’ve been chasing for the last… oh, I dunno, year of my life. She says, “Hey! … How much do you love me?”

— *Enough to drop my life, just to be with you. That’s how much* —

RE: “Uh… You want me to work for you, don’t you?”

“Yeah. Or trade shifts with me. It’s this Saturday, I work 5 to Close. Would you pleeeeaaaase?”

— *Great. I go to Rock-n-Bowl these days. I have other friends than this girl. But for some reason. Maybe this girl is worth the work… *–

RE: “Yeah… I guess. I’ll work for you. We’ll trade shifts. You for my 11:30 – 5, I’ll work your 5 –  Close.

“OMG THANK YOU NICK”

RE: ” Yep. No problem. Not like I have a life…”

At this point. She feels the need to express gratitude for the things I do for her… She does this in a spiteful manner: “So, how was Alexa?” – I saw my daughter last Saturday.

RE: “She’s doing great. She didn’t call me dad, or Nick, or anything. She called my dad and mom “mommy,” and “daddy,” so that’s cool, I guess.”

“Oh…”

RE: ” Yep…”

“Okay… Well That’s all I needed. Thanks for working for me this Saturday!”

RE: “No problem…” – One. Huge. Problem.

“Okay. Bye!”

RE: “See ya.”

————————————-

… My mind – crushed. I love it when God (Or whoever the fuck runs my life) decides to dangle this painful torture over my head. Fuck you, entity. I hate you considerably.

My day moves forward. Hours pass as I stare blankly looking at my computer screen. I watch House, and text my father who doesn’t seem to ever stop talking…

Suddenly, it’s 6. I should probably eat. My mom and I have an argument about what to eat, how much it costs, and other nonsense bullshit. Eventually, around 7, I get my food. Sweet.

After eating, I’m tired. Maybe staying out all night last night wasn’t the brightest idea; I mean, it wasn’t even that fun. I take a nap.

I wake up about 9:30. One missed call from a friend, and two texts needed to be answered. I call my friend back – no answer. I text my friends back – one responds. Which is cool. I have something to do now, I guess.

Eventually, my friend calls back, “Sorry. I left my phone in the car,” he says… I don’t necessarily believe him, but whatever. I don’t necessarily give a shit either. He wants to hang out, and so we decide to do so.

After about an hour of chilling in my room, we finally decide to leave. I get a text from the person earlier, wanting me to work for her this Saturday. “Hey you! I wanted to say thank you again for working for me! Also, what are you doing this Wednesday? Maybe we could get lunch together or something?:)” – I don’t respond to this. I’m more pissed at the fact that:

1: Why not hang out earlier? Too busy with the guy who does everything wrong for you, and doesn’t actually like you?

2: Pity. Fuck that. I don’t need it.

3: This is how you make me feel better about working for you? By trying to give me the false hopes of us ever being together again?! I CAN’T PSYCHOLOGICALLY HANDLE THIS.

Moving on… We go to a friends house, and sit around for another 45 minutes. Then we all decide to go for a walk, where yet another friend calls and invites us over. Woot somewhere to go, something to do. Eventually, we get there. We talk for about two hours… Well, they talk for about two hours. I sit around staring at the campfire before us, thinking about my life.

Finally, I need to go. I have shit to do tomorrow. I’ve got to get out. I tell my friends I’m leaving. I walk, alone, back across town, get in my car, and drive home… Then I write about it.

This brings me up to where I am now. This is my life. This is my daily routine. This is my lifeless life. This sucks.

————-

Meh. I feel the need to blog. I’ll go insane if I don’t. Please comment if you have suggestions on this girl I really like, my life, my friends, or basically anything. I’ll take any response I can get my hands on. I’m dying from withdraw of a social life. Please, talk to me.