I really have absolutely no idea why I feel this extreme need to just apologize. I just do.

I feel like I’ve done something horrid, something terrible, and something unforgivable. I don’t know what, though.

A few things have recently come to my attention, however. Firstly: I enjoy the universe working the way I picture it, and I’ve denied third person’s perspectives, because they don’t match my own conclusions. This is absurd of me to do, and for some reason, I continue to do it.

// Self punishment goes here

Secondly: Double standards. I have quite the abundance of these, no lie. The more I hear it, the more I’m believing it. I’d love to throw this term over a cliff, but that’s beyond an impossibility; I’d love to blame it on, “Everyone’s a hypocrite,” but that’s out of context, it wouldn’t work in my situation… So what’s my next best thing? – Obedience. Compliance. Acceptance. I guess I’ll just have to live with the fact I’m still not exactly who I want to be.

// Continue self punishment

Tying this in with numero dos, my Mother said to me that I’m beginning to treat my friends exactly how my past friends treated me. And it sunk. I AM doing that. I didn’t even realize it until it was verbalized to me. That makes me all the more asshole. What can I do about this? Reevaluate my time. Begin putting myself out there more. Become active in all the friendships I wish to retain. That still doesn’t change the fact I’m not doing it automatically, and that still means at heart, I’m a crappy friend.

// More self punishment

The more I think about the person I am, the more I’m starting to dislike it. Who I want to be and who I am are still so far apart, I’ve lost track on how to get there. And now I’m finding myself questioning if I’m a good person or not. Who would consider me decent, and who wouldn’t. Chances are, people I consider friends would say I’m not the greatest person. And I believe them.

– Hopefully this is just a phase, something I’ll outgrow, something that won’t linger, something that doesn’t set me back too far. Maybe one shitty night every once in a while is really just a good reality check on my life.