A Blog About Life… Isn't That Unusual?

I can hear the cracking in my jaw as I yawn in the morning

My ankles and knees making loud popping noises as I begin to put the first of the days pressures on them

I pass by the mirror, making sure I don’t look into it; guarding myself from that… thing

The water from the shower begins to bang on my eardrums, its always loudest in the morning

Cold air from the other side of the curtain hits me – instant goose bumps

As I ready to leave for work, I can’t help but think I’m forgetting something

I lift a box and feel a stress fracture beginning to form on my wrist

My tendons like old rubber bands, ready to snap under the slightest duress

Return home – Home is a chair and a TV

I sit until my eyes start to glaze and burn, and my spine begins to bruise

I lie in bed, trying to focus on anything but what matters

Sleep comes without ease, and never lasts long

Three, four dreams a night end on a cliffhanger, I’m the worst kind of writer

There’s a promise that I made to you:
That we’ll last forever
Just know that when you’re alone;
We’re in this together
And I will be there right by your side
When your heart feels like breaking.
There is nothing to hold us back.
This is ours for the taking.

I haven’t been thinking and making decisions with emotions in mind lately. I’ve been meaning to write something like this to you for some time now… Even before the whole Virginia thing. I apologize for not getting around to it until now.

For starters… You’re pregnant, like, really pregnant. I can’t remember the due date, but I know it’s coming up in a month or two. I know you’re the perfect mixture of scared, excited, and nauseated. Believe me, I’ve been there. I know you’ve been needing to hear this from me for quite some time, and here it is.
You will make a great mother. You WILL make a GREAT mother. I may have disagreed with you in the past for not having a job. There was a lot of shit given to you from my end, but seeing as how every circumstance since then has changed, I take it all back. You are exactly where you are needed to be. I’m sure you’re decorating the room for your precious little girl, having all the trouble in the world figuring out what color and items to put in the room. Hell, I’m sure you’re even having trouble decide where you’d like these items. I can only hope the best for you in that category.
Going back to my first statement. I know you’ll be a great mother because you know how to be dedicated to people, even when things go awry. You are a loving, caring, truthful person; You possess every essential ingredient to be the best parent out there. Although it may have taken me eons to finally say it, I’d hope time does not diminish the meaning of what I’m saying. You are, you will be – always – a great mother.

Virginia… Fuck, where to begin?
I told you I didn’t want to talk to you until I knew for sure that you wouldn’t forward anything I tell you straight to her. But slowly I’m realizing that that time will never come. I can understand that you’re going to talk to your friends about things going on, old people in their life, and whatever… I’m not going to hate you for it. I have a preference on what is passed on to this third party, and I’d appreciate if you’d confide in my preference, but I suppose I can’t get that 100% compliance. Fine…
Just like the title says: I’m ready when you are.

~ Nicholas

After multiple failures of friendships, relationships, and many other social catastrophes, I’ve come to realize… I’ve lost humanity.

Not faith in humanity, that has been dead long long ago. But -my- humanity. I no longer feel like a person, a human being. When being around what friends I do have, I no longer have connections in the conversations they have. I have no input for the topics. Half of the time, I completely blank out on what they’re talking about.

Perhaps I’m just too caught up in all the shit going on inside my head, that I don’t have the ability to focus on the outside environment. I don’t believe that to be true, however. I just feel a complete lack of connection to other human beings.

This means I’m stuck. Not being able to make new friends, not being able to further the friendships I do have.

So… I spent the majority of my night looking through all of my old conversations with my friends(?) that I’ve had on Facebook. I guess I didn’t realize how much more of a “Timeline” those conversations could turn out to be. I’ve been using the site since ’08 – Since I’ve done most of my personal development. That makes for a crazy trip though some very awesome, and very horrible.

I want to say thanks to all those friends who’ve remained friends with me through those years. It’s a pretty great feeling to see that you’ve been right along with me though my years of growth. As for the ones who’ve dropped off the Facebook bandwagon, that’s alright. I hadn’t noticed too many of you missing anyway, and even if I had, we never did talk much in the first place.

Now being done with the prologue, let’s continue on to the real post: How do I balance all of you? The friends, the family, the work, the everything. I don’t understand how my parents can work their 40 hours a week and still find friends to hang out with as often as they do. And I work half the hours they do! My life seems to be consumed by very few things, and that is a terrible thing. I wake up later than I should, I mope around the house, I put xbox on a higher priority than I do dishes or anything else around the house. Like the fact that I’m playing with my friends on xbox makes up for not having any real social life.

I guess I do have a social life. I go out on Thursdays and Sundays. Maybe the days in between if money and situations present themselves correctly. But I long for something more real. I want those friends that are willing to just go out any do things with anytime, like we’re freaking ten years old again. The biggest problem with those friends is… None live near me. My closest friends live an hour away, which is what makes it so difficult to go out and have fun. It requires people.

The only others I “hang out” with are my coworkers, which is fun, but awkward at the same time. I like them, I enjoy the time I do with them, but we’re in totally different friend circles and it feels like the time that we are hanging out happens because it’s just polite, and perhaps even the thing to do when you work with people.

Beyond the physical friendship, I can Skype with friends. Which is cool and all, but what is there to really gain. It doesn’t compare to a face-to-face rendezvous. It might as well just be a phone call – Hell, it IS. The fact that you can’t do much over Skype makes xbox look like a much better decision to waste my day on. At least there I can pretend to have a real life while talking to my real friends.

Bleh… Of course, another blog about me ranting how life is miserable and no answers are coming to mind.

It’s one of those nights. I’m sitting in my apartment, Arrika is in bed, I’m on the deck, enjoying a beer and the scenery… the back of a bar, how pleasant.

It’s these nights that I try my hardest to figure out my overall situation in life; what’s my big problem, and what is the big solution? I always come up empty handed.

I think about my status in life, am I happy with my life, my job, my lover, my everything – myself. Gladly, I am. I like what I do, I enjoy where I live, I enjoy who I live with, and I have nothing against myself. So what is wrong?

I feel like I could just tear this world apart.
I could burn it into the ground.
I could laugh as its ashes blow away in the wind.
I could walk away from it all, pretending I never gave a shit about any of it.
Hell, most of the time, I WANT to do that. But my conscience leads me back to where where any other normal person would be. Damn that thing.

Somehow, after pondering for half an hour, I think about who in really care about. There’s obviously a few people: my parents, girlfriend, friends in general; then something weird happens – I care about those who don’t care about me: my coworkers, the people I supervise, and other people that really only see me as a person they will have to be around for a few years at most.

Maybe this is my fault, that I put in the effort to care about those who don’t care back. Should I even bother? Why give a crap about anyone who isn’t going to care back? Is the fact that they don’t care what really irks me? Pointless energy wasted on trying to maintain one-sided friendships.

Friendships. Maybe that’s where my life needs improvement. I need to decide who can be friends with me, and who I can be friends with. And then, actually work on those relations.

Bottom line: I need closer friends. Physically, and otherwise. I’m screwed.

You wouldn’t know it, as I’ve never told you, or really had the time to fully and completely show you, but you’re one of my best friends. Maybe it’s your personality, maybe it’s just the fact you’re that good of a guy, and that good with people in general.

It’s hilarious to think, before last weekend, we haven’t said much to each other for quite a few years – about four or five. But last weekend, just being able to talk and sit down with you again reopened my eyes to just how big of a person you are in my life. The superior knowledge you have about life is fascinating, it is far more vast than my nearly twenty one years I’ve had to learn from.

I remember so many years ago, when I was so lost in the world of high school and all of the problems that faced me then, and I have to say, that those longs night bitching about Mitchell and its aura of curses it puts on people allowed me to survive those years. Having someone so down to earth then has helped me become who I am today. I have to thank you greatly for that.

Last weekend, I made you an offer to come stay with me and Arrika, I sincerely hope you have the time to take me up on that offer. I hope it will be just like it was a few years ago, despite all of the drama that we’ve been through since.

You’re one of the most decent people that my life has come to show me. It goes to show that good people -do- exist. Thank you, Darryl.

Your friend, Nicholas.

Just let it go, don’t want to haunt you anymore
I can’t be sure I know just what we’re fight for
I know that you’re scared and that you’re thinking I may go
I’m not leaving, I’m not leaving

And if you’re thinking I might, might be lead astray
Just remember this one question

What if I was nothing? What if this is true?
What if I was nothing, girl, nothing without you
So what if I was angry, what did you think I’d do?
I told you that I love you, girl, I’m nothing without you

I know it’s hard, it seems that we’ve worked at this so long
Soft and foolish pride that tells us we’re not wrong
I hear your voice, you tell me that you’ll never go
And I believe it, I believe it.

And if you’re thinking I might, might be lead astray
Just remember this one question

What if I was nothing? What if this is true?
What if I was nothing, girl, nothing without you
So what if I was angry, what did you think I’d do?
I told you that I love you, girl, I’m nothing without you

And we can keep this going on, we’ll make it work some way
And every step, it makes us stronger every day

And if you’re thinking I might, might be lead astray
Just remember this one question

What if I was nothing? What if this is true?
What if I was nothing, girl, nothing without you
So what if I was angry, what did you think I’d do?
I told you that I love you, girl, I’m nothing without you

What if I was nothing? What if this is true?
What if I was nothing, girl, nothing without you
So what if I was angry, what did you think I’d do?
I told you that I love you, girl, I’m nothing without you.

For the last three years, October has been my month of personal experience, realization, and character building. Seriously, I mean, big things in my life have happened around this month. Some that are seemingly bad, and turn out for the best, and some that are just good to begin with.

Last year, I had probably the most painful break-up of my life. This girl I attempted to date for the most of the year flat out dumped me for childish reasons. Some which are understood, and some that are not. This ultimately lead to be meeting new people, and developing some pretty awesome friendships. This also got me to think heavily about who and what I should be looking into for a partner… I found that. The best relationship I ever had, as mentioned in my previous post, has once again ignited. This relationship still continuing to be the best I’ve ever been. ‘Tis beautiful how this worked out, really.
This was also the time I had quit smoking weed, even if I never really did it in the first place.

Two years ago was an eye opener for me. I realized the friends I had at that time were really… not all that close, and pretty much were using me for what only I could provide. I refuse to be friends with people who are only going to use me, and betray my trust. Thus, I tested my friends, I quit talking to them first to see who would ask me to hang out… I went close to a month before anything happened. Just as I had assumed, my friends were not friends. I decided I was better off a loner than a tool, so I told my “friends” my findings, and gave them an ultimatum: Be real friends, or don’t try.

Three years marks my realization that Alexa’s adoption needed to be dealt with. Her mother and I had a giant fight in my house right in front of Alexa. And that was the realization that I didn’t want my daughter growing up listening to her parents fight, to have to endure the collateral damage that would be done to her from our arguments. I realized that the environment we had set up for Alexa was not a healthy one.

I can’t wait to see what all this October brings for me. It’s already started out flawless, and continues to be so. :)

I’m setting out on my mission tonight:

I’m reclaiming who I am. I’m taking back what the world has pushed and transformed me into. I’m setting goals, I’m making them, and I’m bettering my life. I need this. When someone tells you to stop drifting through life, take that advice. I’ve drifted into a whole different person, and I now finally realize this; it needs to change.

Day 0: Talk to my mother more, about deeper subjects. Learn her experiences, take her advice, and for once; become her son.

Day 1: Relationship with father. Working on fixing this will take longer than the rest of my set goals, but this will eventually be fixed. This involves listening to what he says, if he tells me to vacuum my room, I’ll do it. If he tells me to be home at a certain time, I’m doing it. If he needs help outside or anywhere, I’m helping him. If he tells me to get up in the morning, you bet your ass I’ll be up.
I will begin to contact friends and put myself out there more. Become an active member in society, and bring more life to my life.

Day 2: From day two on (and probably sooner), my thought process will be changed. Instead of how I already think, I’m using an alternative to WWJD: “What would Marion do?”
Marion is my grandmother, and the most blessed person I’ve ever had in my life. She was ALWAYS there for everyone, and always had the right path in her mind.
This will create a better person in me, this will lighten my mood, and make me focus on the good and beauty in life. My pessimism, will decrease, and I will become more optimistic. This will make me give off a pleasant aura, and make people attracted to me, and want to spend time with me.

Day 3: Confidence. I’m tackling the biggest problem I have, by working towards one of my goals: Seeing my daughter.
The relationship with Alexa’s parents is not where I imagined it in my head, mostly because I am too afraid to speak up and ask if we can expand our relationship. I will set a date for the next time I can meet with Alexa. I will also be asking Alexa’s parents to not treat Kira and I equal, and explain that we are separate, and have gone our own ways. This will show strong support for Alexa, and her parents, and prove to them that I want what’s best for Alexa. I’m going against the odds and fears of having my visitation privileges taken away to do what I see is best.

Day 4: Counseling. I am going to return to counseling. I need it. In order to solidify into the person I’m turning into, I will need competent, private, knowledgeable help. Counseling has helped me immensely in the past, and I have reached the point that I know I need it again.

Day 5: Discover something about me that will make people stick with me. Whether it’s a skill I have, my personality, my goals, or anything; I must find something that people will like, and will want to be around for me in the future. This is a key objective for me, as it will be difficult, but I believe I can pull through with something.

Day 6: Handle and deal with my emotions. Again, I’ve been bottling them up and waiting for them to overflow, only causing more stress in my life. From this point on, I will speak what is on my mind (with confidence) and work calmly towards being less upset. I will keep my emotions in check and not blow up on people who don’t deserve; or not at all. Not at all is preferred.

Day 7: This is also something that will be worked on from day one. Self esteem. Quit beating myself up and putting myself lower than the majority. This will boost confidence and optimism.
Begin to take better care of myself is involved in this. This means getting the right amounts of sleep, eating healthier, and practicing better daily hygiene.

Day 8: Quit the cling. I latch on to people and things easily, and keep my heart secure from them. My routine becomes rigid, and I hate getting out of rhythm. This will change, I will accept changed plans, I will look at them positively, I will not get angry, I with respect others’ decisions.
I will not cling without putting my heart out there as well.

This is who I want to become, this is who I need to become. To be a better person for the world. To bring my life more joy, as well as being others happiness.

And God dammit, I’m sticking to my word. I cannot fail.