It’s one of those nights. I’m sitting in my apartment, Arrika is in bed, I’m on the deck, enjoying a beer and the scenery… the back of a bar, how pleasant.

It’s these nights that I try my hardest to figure out my overall situation in life; what’s my big problem, and what is the big solution? I always come up empty handed.

I think about my status in life, am I happy with my life, my job, my lover, my everything – myself. Gladly, I am. I like what I do, I enjoy where I live, I enjoy who I live with, and I have nothing against myself. So what is wrong?

I feel like I could just tear this world apart.
I could burn it into the ground.
I could laugh as its ashes blow away in the wind.
I could walk away from it all, pretending I never gave a shit about any of it.
Hell, most of the time, I WANT to do that. But my conscience leads me back to where where any other normal person would be. Damn that thing.

Somehow, after pondering for half an hour, I think about who in really care about. There’s obviously a few people: my parents, girlfriend, friends in general; then something weird happens – I care about those who don’t care about me: my coworkers, the people I supervise, and other people that really only see me as a person they will have to be around for a few years at most.

Maybe this is my fault, that I put in the effort to care about those who don’t care back. Should I even bother? Why give a crap about anyone who isn’t going to care back? Is the fact that they don’t care what really irks me? Pointless energy wasted on trying to maintain one-sided friendships.

Friendships. Maybe that’s where my life needs improvement. I need to decide who can be friends with me, and who I can be friends with. And then, actually work on those relations.

Bottom line: I need closer friends. Physically, and otherwise. I’m screwed.