A Blog About Life… Isn't That Unusual?

I’m just going to a quick thought out here…

I have a unique way of dealing with stress. I’m a critical thinker. This is a developed skill, provided to me by my parents. I was always told to, “look at the whole situation.”
Doing this, I can evaluate who’s to blame, and place it accordingly.  With most situations surrounding me, I don’t have much blame for what’s happening. But no matter how little blame I have, I will always take things out on myself. I do this simply because I don’t want to worsen the situation by taking it out on others, even if they hold most of the blame.

Don’t tell me that’s unhealthy, I’m capable of figuring that out by myself. I don’t need your reminders.

If tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you care for me, and how much I care for you,
and each time that you think of me I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready in heaven far above,
and that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I’d always thought I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do.
it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for a while,
I’d say goodbye and hug you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realised that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I’d miss come tomorrow.
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven’s gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, “This is eternity and all I’ve promised you,
Today your life on earth is past but here it’s starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last.
and since each day’s the same, there’s no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful, so trusting, so true.
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do.
And you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?”

So if tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart,
for every time you think of me, please know I’m in your heart.

Author “David M Romano”

Experience and Education

A few pages of text couldn’t fully describe who I am, as well as anyone else. There is so much involved in one person that even the most boring would be impossible to sum up in words alone. However, I will make my best attempt to describe myself, and why I’m here at STI for my education.

My name in Nicholas Eliason, I’m nineteen years experienced in life. Over the last two decades, I’ve been through many ups and downs, and gained a lot of wisdom while going through those ups and downs. These experiences are what make me unique from most others around me. They are also what I’m most proud of about me.

People usually judge a book by its cover, and by book, I mean people; and by cover, I mean how they look. So when people initially see me, they typically see only the negative things about my character – How my hair looks, how I dress, or my slacking posture. Honestly, this isn’t how I am at all. Talking to a lot of my friends, or people I’ve recently started conversing with, they always say they had the wrong opinion of me. I seem to come off as a “druggie,” to most people. I must be following some stereotype with that group fairly well, except for the drugs part.

As mentioned earlier, I am most proud of my prior experiences in life. My biggest experience being: the birth of my daughter in 2009. I have no problem admitting that I slipped up hugely by having made the wrong decisions in order to create a child. I was a child myself at the time. I made poor decisions. In spite of those decisions, though, I (almost literally) launched myself into adulthood, faster than most of my peers. Having a child at such a young age was one of my biggest mistakes, but also the best thing that’s ever happened to me. That child forced maturity into me like nothing else ever could. Alexa, my daughter, was born when I was just under seventeen years old. At that age, I wasn’t ready to take care of a child; I was still acting like a teenager myself. However, I did take responsibility, and took care of her for the next year and a half.

While attending high school, and having a daughter to take care of, I was given the chance to attend a “second chance,” high school. This was done through a selective process done by the school administration, based on students’ academic abilities, and life situation. Obviously, I had a situation, and my grades were lacking quite a bit. This second chance school was the only reason I graduated at all. The school is small, only taking in about 30-60 students at a time. They had five staff members, so the student to teacher ratio was higher than in normal high schools. This allows for a more personal connection between teachers and their students. That means that the courses were also personalized, and the classes were overall easier. If I hadn’t been given the chance to attend that school, I would have dropped out and gone straight into the workforce in order to provide for Alexa.

Just short of graduating, I was approached by my ex with the idea of adoption. This is another one of my experiences that I’m most proud of. When this option approached me, I didn’t say no. I looked into it, and researched through a lot of material in order to better make up my mind. In the end, both my ex and I agreed: We would put Alexa up for adoption.

After making that decision, it wasn’t long before the adoption agency had a list of families. We met up, and got to view a portfolio of each family. We were given three books that had been made, and put together for many people to look at. With those, we were also given two sheets of paper and some pictures from a family that was looking into international adoption in Haiti, to help aide from the earthquake. The agency had contacted this family and told them a little bit about my ex and I. In response, the family had actually wrote a letter to us, and sent us those pictures. Reading the letter, and seeing the pictures, both my ex and I knew this was the family we liked most. Additionally, we each showed our parents the letter and photos. Everyone agreed.

Adoption – especially after a year and a half of taking care of your own child – is like death. We lost our child. But we gave her something greater than we could provide: stability. In every aspect of her life, we gave her stability. The adoption is also an open one, so we can still visit Alexa if we make arrangements. And when Alexa reaches that age where she may want to meet her biological parents, she is absolutely free too.

Going back to how people view me. They don’t see this in me. They don’t know what I’ve been through, and they don’t know how I am now. The reason I don’t let people know I have a daughter, and that I’ve done some pretty stupid things, is because I want people to know how I am now. If they knew I had a daughter, I would be assumed upon, and come off as some “sex addicted drug user,” which is pretty much polar-opposite to how I am… This is the basis for how I view others. I don’t know what tragedies they’ve witnessed or endured, and I don’t know them how they are today. I do my best to not make assumptions and keep an open mind for everyone.

Also while attending Second Chance High; they were pretty intent on having their students attend a college or tech school. They forced every student to visit Mitchell Technical Institute as an “eye opener,” for post-high education. I knew I didn’t want to attend there because I hated that town. I’d been hearing a lot about STI, and it sounded like that had a pretty decent reputation for computer courses. I set up an appointment to visit STI, and instantly felt at home. The staff was nice, and the students seemed to be mature. So I applied, and shortly thereafter, was accepted.

I’ve always had some strange obsession with computers. They have always been in my life for as long as I remember. They were in schools, and in my home. My grandpa even built computers as a hobby. One day, after my dad decided to buy a new computer, he gave his old one to my brother and I. My brother and I loaded countless games onto that computer, and it quickly became our life. It stuck to me, more than my brother though.

Always having a computer in the house was cool, but computers never really became huge with me until 7^th grade. Our school was one of the first to try the laptop program in South Dakota. When we were handed a laptop that we could take home, and use as if it was our own… I probably took too much advantage to that. I would play around with the computer and figure out how to bypass the school’s systems, and log in as in administrator. After that I could install any software I wanted, and basically do anything I felt like.

Being given that laptop every year for school is what allowed me to discover my passion for computers. After learning so much through that program, I decided to start doing more with my computers at home. I started learning how to network our house, and set a computer up exactly how I wanted it. After getting a job, and having some income, I figured it’d be fun to build a computer, so I bought all the components and had one of my friends help me. It solidified my relationship with computers. I knew that’s what I wanted to go to school for.

This is only skimming the edges on who I am, and why I’m here, but as I had said: it’s impossible to write out. I can’t summarize everything about me into a block of text, it’s just not possible.

Everyone lately seems… occupied. Perhaps I’m just being anxious? I don’t know.

I just feel like people are only talking or doing anything with me to fill in gaps. I’m seeing straight through the masks they’re putting up, and only hurting myself in the end. I can’t bring this up with anyone, because I’d rather not be wrong and offend them. Yet, most of the time, I am right…

We’ll put this into perspective:

Person A, B, and C – being everyone else, and not one particular person.

Person A:

I like this person a lot. And over the last four days, I’ve managed to ruin anything you and I may have ever had. Upon approaching you about whether we’d ever be able to continue, you played dumb, made up excuses, and ignored my question for TWO DAYS. In the end, my final answer was: “I just don’t know.” – This speaks a hell of a lot louder than the words it has… Basically, you are letting me chase you around, while you are going to turn your back on me. I’m supposed to “not be disappointed,” by this. This is true pain.

Person B:

You’ve been there for me through the loss of person A and whatnot. I do appreciate the friendship we have, and wouldn’t want to change it… sadly, it is changing. You helped me regain a friend I lost many months ago… Sadly, he likes you, and I don’t see you being as stable as you once were. I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to be comfortable talking to you, when you lie to my face, and are probably doing the same shit with my new-old friend…

Person C:

You’ve always been preoccupied with something else. Everyone is narcissistic. What you tell me, is rarely how it really is. I do my best at representing myself, as me, no matter what the situation may be. You do exactly the opposite, however. You be whoever will be most liked with the given situation. Which means when you are in a different place, you’re an entirely different being. It’s hard to like anyone who changes as often at you.

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I just wish I could be #1 to someone, something, sometime, again. I miss not being life and everything’s back burner. Life sucks, that’s all. :|