A Blog About Life… Isn't That Unusual?

There was a conversation I had enabled to take place a few years back. It revolved around a picture that was circulating the internet at the time. It was a picture of a soldier giving his condolences along with medal to a young child. This young child had lost his father in battle, and was given the last item that the child will remember his father by. On this picture, there was the caption, “Your father was 360 quickscoped”.

It’s a horrible, horrible thing to have on this picture, but at the time, I did zero research into the background of the picture, and had just thought it was a stock photo with a caption. I posted this picture to social media, and tagged a few friends. From there, a verbal feud ensued, and I sat back and let it continue.

Somewhere along the line, the phrase “Have a heart” was used. For some reason, that phrase hits me hard to this day. It fills me full of guilt and anger. It can move me to tears, and spark hate deep in me.

“Come on, have a heart.”

If someone uses that phrase with me, I will politely tell them to go fuck themselves, and that I do have a heart. My heart is just buried underneath thick layers of scar tissue. With as many betrayals, breaches of trust, heartbreaks, traumas, and other emotional and physical distresses I’ve incurred, I impress myself that I still have a heart.

Just because my sense of humor is off taste, or sometimes just plain distasteful doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart or feelings. I’m just separated from the feelings in exchange for some humor. If you want me to show my feelings, let me know, or get me into a state where I am -able- to show my feelings. For that, I’d have to trust you, and that’s the hardest part of all.

I’ve been going through a little rough time recently, but I don’t have time to explain that all, instead, I just want to write this down and see if anyone can relate.

I have always felt like I have something great to offer the world. I am smart, understanding, caring, and almost everything you would look for in a person. Although I’ll admit to some downfalls, absolutely.

But you know what really kills me? The fact that I’ve never felt needed. I’ve never felt like anyone has needed me, or wanted me entirely, for that matter. I feel like the person who is just kinda there when no one else is. I’ve always been the 2nd, or last option. Whether it’s my friends, my relatives, my family. It’s just always how I’ve felt.

Is this just an internal misconception? Or is this just… A normal human being feeling? How many people out there feel like this, too. How does one come with feeling like this?

Postscript:

I feel like this post requires some sort of follow-up. What feeling I attempted to convey was. I want to -feel- accepted into other people lives, not just tolerated. I want to feel like I add something to a group activity, or into my interpersonal relationships. Currently, I feel like I may have lost that somewhere along the way, and that’s an awful feeling. I used to be a person that people could go to for issues, and advice. That hasn’t happened for years, and chances are that is generally my fault, but I also feel like there may have been some amount of betrayal along the way. Perhaps I’m just paranoid, I don’t know. It’s like I’ve lost my mind.

There’s a strange collision of jealousy and lack of social skills taking place within me, and it’s pulling me apart.