I really have absolutely no idea why I feel this extreme need to just apologize. I just do.<\/p>\n
I feel like I’ve done something horrid, something terrible, and something unforgivable. I don’t know what, though.<\/p>\n
A few things have recently come to my attention, however. Firstly: I enjoy the universe working the way I picture it, and I’ve denied third person’s perspectives, because they don’t match my own conclusions. This is\u00a0absurd\u00a0of me to do, and for some reason, I continue to do it.<\/p>\n
\/\/ Self punishment goes here<\/p>\n
Secondly: Double standards. I have quite the abundance of these, no lie. The more I hear it, the more I’m believing it. I’d love to throw this term over a cliff, but that’s beyond an impossibility; I’d love to blame it on, “Everyone’s a hypocrite,” but that’s out of context, it wouldn’t work in my situation… So what’s my next best thing? –\u00a0Obedience. Compliance. Acceptance. I guess I’ll just have to live with the fact I’m still not exactly who I want to be.<\/p>\n
\/\/ Continue self punishment<\/p>\n
Tying this in with numero dos, my Mother said to me that I’m beginning to treat my friends exactly how my past friends treated me. And it sunk. I AM doing that. I didn’t even realize it until it was verbalized to me. That makes me all the more asshole. What can I do about this? Reevaluate my time. Begin putting myself out there more. Become active in all the friendships I wish to retain. That still doesn’t change the fact I’m not doing it automatically, and that still means at heart, I’m a crappy friend.<\/p>\n
\/\/ More self punishment<\/p>\n
The more I think about the person I am, the more I’m starting to dislike it. Who I want to be and who I am are still so far apart, I’ve lost track on how to get there. And now I’m finding myself questioning if I’m a good person or not. Who would consider me decent, and who wouldn’t. Chances are, people I consider friends would say I’m not the greatest person. And I believe them.<\/p>\n
– Hopefully this is just a phase, something I’ll outgrow, something that won’t linger, something that doesn’t set me back too far. Maybe one shitty night every once in a while is really just a good reality check on my life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I really have absolutely no idea why I feel this extreme need to just apologize. I just do. I feel like I’ve done something horrid, something terrible, and something unforgivable. I don’t know what, though. A few things have recently come to my attention, however. Firstly: I enjoy the universe working the way I picture [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-438","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloggersden.org\/blogs\/nick\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/438","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloggersden.org\/blogs\/nick\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloggersden.org\/blogs\/nick\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloggersden.org\/blogs\/nick\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloggersden.org\/blogs\/nick\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=438"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/bloggersden.org\/blogs\/nick\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/438\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":440,"href":"https:\/\/bloggersden.org\/blogs\/nick\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/438\/revisions\/440"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloggersden.org\/blogs\/nick\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=438"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloggersden.org\/blogs\/nick\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=438"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloggersden.org\/blogs\/nick\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=438"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}