This blog has been a self-help tool for me more than anything. When I’m in a situation such as this, It helps a lot to be able to type everything out, and read it. It helps me reanalyze everything, and figure out what is best for my situation. That’s what I’m gonna do here, now.<\/p>\n
To make this anonymous, I’m going to define people as letters. A, B, C, and D.<\/p>\n
A:<\/p>\n
Our relationship as been the most stable one I’ve had over the last many months. You go through\u00a0problems\u00a0that I am able to \u00a0help you with. And you have helped me when I’m in mine. I truly value our friendship. I need you to know that. No matter what I do, I want to remain friends with you – TALKING – friends. I hope you can trust me with your deepest thoughts, as I have trusted you with mine. I hope you don’t hold back on telling me things just because, “They’ll hurt too much.” You’ve always told me everything I need to hear, even if I didn’t want that. And that is the greatest gift I could\u00a0receive\u00a0from anyone. The truth is something that we don’t come by very often, so me having you is important to me. I can’t speak for you, but I hope you feel the same.<\/p>\n
Again, I want to stress how much I really do want to remain friends through anything. Don’t let my actions, or other people, get in the way of our friendship. Isn’t it above that?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
B:<\/p>\n
If I could sum you up in one word, I think it would have to be deceitful. What you’ve done to me has hurt me a lot. You don’t even know the magnitude of what you did; it’s not like you’d change even IF you knew. The colossal ego you carry with you is blinding. You get your way through dodging any serious conflict, and avoid answering questions when they’re of the\u00a0up-most\u00a0priority. It’s manipulation; worse yet, it’s extremely hard to realize it’s manipulation. I went months without realizing that none of my questions were really being answered with honesty, and from your opinion. I’d always given you mine, and had to pry out yours. And every time I’d pry, we’d fight. That’s how it was – that is not my fault.<\/p>\n
Still, I can’t bring myself not to have feelings for you. As much as I wish I could say we’re over, and I don’t ever want to return to you… I do. My counselor told me one thing that applies to you all too well:<\/p>\n
Someone can only promise what they’ve shown in the past. If someone has caused you more pain, that is all they have to offer. No one can make a promise to change who they are.<\/p>\n
I look back on all of the times we’ve had together, and what I notice is that there was not a time where everything was great between you and I. There was always another person waiting around for you. And in all honesty, I’m positive it was in your mind that if we didn’t work out, you had a back up. You played dumb when I asked about these people, as if you were completely clueless to the fact that they liked you. And I never truly bought that. I could see it from miles away – I just pretended that it wasn’t there. It may have been\u00a0naive\u00a0on my part, but it was wrong<\/span>\u00a0on yours.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n C:<\/p>\n You were, “Late to the run,” so to say. You certainly aren’t out of the, “race,” however. I like you. I like you a lot.You offer a sense of security. No matter what, you’ll be there for me. When I’m at my worst, and when I’m in my best, you have proved that you will be present. I’m not sure how I can express how much that alone means to me. If the last nineteen years has taught me anything, it’s that people come and people go. If you can commit to what you’ve said and proved thus far, it is my debt to be there for you.<\/p>\n Still, I can’t help but notice a darkness that seems to be present between us. Maybe it’s just my mind conjuring up similarities of you from my past. In any sense, it is something that I fear, and need<\/strong>\u00a0to think about with extreme caution.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n D:<\/p>\n I haven’t put much thought into you, honestly. I was high in the clouds, with my back facing away from you. I chose to put my focus into other things and other people. So firstly, I want to say I’m sorry. What I did to you -was- rude and unlike me. I was delusional, and\u00a0smoke-screened. Way back when, I really thought some people had changed their ways. And because of that, I chose to distance myself from you. You made this other person feel\u00a0minuscule, and because I was still conversing with you, it was hard to keep that other person happy – which is truly what I wanted at the time. I realize now that, again, I was delusional. I’m an idiot for doing what I did to you. And I deserved every bit of harsh wording you used against me. I accept it knowingly.<\/p>\n I think our friendship and relationship were probably the most healthy I was ever in. Really. Maybe not in a physical health perspective, but we understood each other to an extent unlike anyone else I’ve ever managed to get close to. The conversations we had are cherished like gold to me, even today. You don’t know it, but you’ve actually had a huge impact on my life over the last four months. You were the\u00a0beginning\u00a0of a new me: one that doesn’t hold secrets, and is a better person overall.<\/p>\n For some odd reason, I’ve had a few dreams you happened to be in. Before they occurred, you weren’t in my daily\u00a0conscious\u00a0thought. Some people may not believe that dreams have any sort of real meaning to the “awake,” life. I’m not one of them. Dreams exist for a purpose, we just have to decrypt the meanings, which in most cases is extremely hard.<\/p>\n What I really want to get out is: I want to talk again. I’m just completely unsure how to approach this situation. :\/<\/p>\n <\/p>\n —————————<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Now that I have people settled, I would like to switch to a topic not very far from the former:\u00a0What do I want in people? <\/p>\n Acquaintances:<\/p>\n People I know, but don’t have any real contact with… I can’t ask for much from you, except for the same respect I give you. Just because I don’t live my life the same as you, doesn’t mean that I’m a worse or better person. I shouldn’t have to feel intimidated by you, I shouldn’t have to dodge my way around these people in order to be happier. If you don’t really<\/span>\u00a0know me, then don’t treat me like you do. I don’t do that to you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Friends:<\/p>\n Friends, I expect you to be there for me, and I’ll be there for you. I’m sorry if I may not text you first, or ask you to do anything. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk or do anything. I choose to give my attention to those who take\u00a0their\u00a0time to approach me. Maybe it’s wrong of me, and if it is, tell me, I can change that.<\/p>\n I’d also like to believe that you wont start rumors about me, or talk about me behind my back. I’ve done my best to avoid saying negative things about everyone, especially my friends. When I’ve given you my back to stab, I’d hope you don’t take that chance. I wouldn’t do that to you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Lovers:<\/p>\n I honestly don’t even want a relationship that has the expectations of a\u00a0marriage\u00a0and a family. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t a possibility though. What I want from my relationships is a best friend. Someone who knows me, who doesn’t hold secrets, who won’t put a knife in my back, and who I can\u00a0approach\u00a0with any conversation and not have to feel like I’ve done something wrong. I expect an acquaintance, and a friend, from my lover.<\/p>\n Through my year of counseling, and my past\u00a0experiences, I’ve concluded that the physical part of a relationship is a completely different ball-park than the actual relation itself. To be able to connect with someone physically, it needs to be established that I could connect with them personally, and with that, they need to have the same connection to me.<\/p>\n The problem is that most people, my age, or even in this day in age, are just impatient. No one wants to take time to see what right for them, and their partner. They just want to make a\u00a0fairy-tale\u00a0come true. Maybe once in a great while, a miracle will happen, and this technique will work; most of the time, this doesn’t work.<\/p>\n –<\/p>\n I can’t really put a closing statement on this post. It’s far from complete. I’ve just ran out of words to elaborate on this any further. Maybe sometime I can go back over this, and add more. Otherwise, it is what it is, and maybe it’ll help me through the next few weeks.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This blog has been a self-help tool for me more than anything. When I’m in a situation such as this, It helps a lot to be able to type everything out, and read it. It helps me reanalyze everything, and figure out what is best for my situation. That’s what I’m gonna do here, now. 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\nI’m going to also divide these people into groups: Acquaintances, Friends, and Lovers.<\/p>\n